Just to be safe, Cater leaves a split card. His shaken emotional fortitude wouldn't be able to handle any kind of conflict that night. From there, he's out the window and creeping his familiar path to Ignihyde. His anxiety makes him want to run the whole way, but knew that if he did, he'd be breathless to a point it might trigger a much worse panic attack.
Each step feels shaky but he takes things as slow as he's able to manage, clenching and unclenching his fists and trying to focus on his breathing. There's no mask on his face as he makes it into Idia's room. He looks drawn and nauseated, wordlessly going right into his boyfriend's arms and holding on tightly.
For a moment, he just needs to ground himself there.
Idia envelops Cater in his lanky arms, tilting his head forward a little so that his flames curtain his boyfriend in a familiar blue glow. The light is somewhat duller, more subdued, reflecting Idia's worry. It's eating at him, wanting to know what's wrong so he can try to fix it, but if Cater's not ready to talk then Idia's not about to push.
"Bed?" Maybe resting or just cuddling in the nest that is the Housewarden's messy bed with their mingled scents will help calm Cater down. He kisses the top of that soft copper hair, one hand rubbing up and down his boyfriend's back soothingly.
Cater nods against Idia's chest, breathing deeply, and allows himself to be steered to the bed. He's quiet and forlorn until they're suitably comfortable, and that's when he looks up into Idia's beautiful and worried face with exhausted eyes and finally finds the strength he needs to speak.
"Everyone started talking about summer." His voice is small, thick with emotion. Cater knows that it won't be long before he starts to cry, but for now no tears come. "I didn't want to see how close it is to the end of the year."
Idia's heart sinks so fast it feels like he dropped it off the steps into the depths of Tartarus. He'd been so worried about that exact thing, only to allow himself to forget as his and Cater's lives intertwined further. They've been so happy, but it's all going to be crushed at the end of this school year. Not so long ago, he would've quietly but bluntly said that their futures were always going to diverge, Idia's into the darkness and Cater's into the light. He would've said there was no point in fighting it.
He's not that person anymore.
"Do you have a plan, at least? Not whatever crap you'd tell people to keep up appearances, I mean a real plan." He won't derail it if Cater does have his heart set on something, but he knows deep down what the answer will be. He just... wants to have a clear conscience before asking something selfish.
The question seems to hit him like an arrow between the eyes. He sucks in a breath, face twisting as he shakes his head. "That's just it...nothing at all. There isn't anything I've ever wanted to do or wanted to be. Before you came into my life I could barely even remember who I was."
Cater holds onto Idia like it's the only thing keeping him from sinking into a deep, cold trench. His body starts to shake. "I've been so scared of this...and I'm so much more scared now than ever. It's not just that have nothing to work toward, but now there's so much to lose."
Every day they fall more deeply in love, and the more deeply they fall the more they realize how alike they are. Idia had all but forgotten who he was outside of his grief because what there was outside was paper thin and fragile, a hollow illusion built of gaming prowess and engineering genius. Feeling his boyfriend trembling in fear, in despair, breaks Idia's softened heart. Maybe his selfish wish isn't so selfish after all, so asking won't make him an awful person. He can only pray that, if Cater accepts, the redhead doesn't come to resent him for it.
"Cater, you're really good at creating a positive public persona. Do you think you could do that on a bigger scale, like with an entire organization?"
Cater makes a noncommittal noise. It's hard for him to look at what he does in a positive light, considering that the whole reason he acts such way (or at least, had acted until recently) had been self-serving. "I don't know. Probably? I could probably do lip service until I stopped breathing--I've practiced since I was a kid."
How are you feeling, Cater? I'm feeling great! Try this cake, Cater! Okay! Did you sleep well, Cater? Like a baby! Are you making friends? Tons of them!
Finding one of Idia's hands, he plays with those long fingers like it's his own fidget device, trying to keep himself centered. "I guess plenty of places could use a customer service representative."
Cater might be the one fidgeting, but the contact calms them both. Idia takes a deep breath, not sure how his offer will go. As much as he wants Cater to accept for the sake of them staying together, it's a selfish reason. His boyfriend needs to find his niche in the world.
"... I told you my code was pre-programmed a certain way before I was born. I don't really get a choice." He doesn't sound as sad about it now, simply resigned. He's a Shroud, there's no getting around it. Until research into blot and Phantoms is complete, his family is bound to their duty. "You have a choice, but you don't have any direction. You're wandering around an open-world game without a strategy guide, not even an instruction manual. So... let me be your guide and make you an offer. You don't have to say yes. I mean, I really want you to think about it, if you go along with it, it's three months minimum in the same place and it's really not a nice place, it's gloomy and serious and not in your wheelhouse but I'm trying to change things...."
Oops, he's rambling. He's more nervous about Cater's answer than he thought. He clamps his lips shut before he overwhelms his boyfriend even more.
It should be obvious what Idia is working up to, but Cater's in such a dark spiral that he isn't able to connect the dots. This overwhelming torrent of hopelessness reaching for his neck, making it harder and harder to breathe. "No where matters," he says. "No where that doesn't have you."
How can he even begin to try to find some kind of purpose for himself when the idea of being without Idia is so awful? And more than Idia, shrugging off every connection he's made over the past three years for favor of a new start, again. New everything. New loneliness. Like he's walking into the open jaws of a phantom ready to swallow him.
Watching Cater spiral the way Idia often does sends a bigger wave of fear through the Housewarden. Desperately he clutches Cater’s cheeks in both hands, making his boyfriend focus on his face.
“Listen to me. I don’t care if it’s the longest longshot ever, I’m getting you a position at STYX. I want to change things there, I don’t want anyone else to go through what I went through, what we’ve been putting Overblot victims through for too long. But I need your help to break STYX out of being a secret organization.” Idia takes a deep breath and huffs out a harsh sigh. “I want you by my side for senior year, even if it’s selfish to want you in a place like the Isle of Woe.”
Looking into Idia's eyes with his own despaired look, those hands on his face feel like they're lifting up his entire heart. He listens to what's being said, replaying the words over in his head. That's when the tears finally begin to roll over his lashes, skin growing hot with emotion. "You can do that?"
It felt like something just completely out of consideration. That Cater would be allowed in, that even with all of Idia's power as a Shroud there'd be no place for him. And even more than that, being told that he needs his help. Cater. Helping with something of such a huge magnitude.
“It’s not about if I can, I am. If they refuse… I won’t go back. I’ll make them hunt me down and I’ll fight them every step of the way. If you want to come with me to STYX, then you’re going.”
This is an enormously risky assertion. Between the pressure from his parents and the looming presence of the Jupiter family, Idia is staring down an oncoming storm. But the fear of what could crash into him is nothing next to the fear of losing Cater.
“I want you to help me start a PR department. Outreach programs, better counseling, things to help Overblot victims see us as a resource rather than a nebulous threat. Even if we could operate the way we used to, I don’t want to operate that way anymore. Things have to change, but I can’t do it without you.”
The whole thing is so noble—-it really shows just how much that Idia has changed. To find his own purpose in the one he was assigned at birth. To want to make a good change. Cater lunges forward to hold onto him as close as he can, clutching tightly as he sobs.
“I never even thought that I…”
Later, he’ll have a lot more to say and to contribute. Right now though, he feels selfish too. All he cares about is being at Idia’s side.
“I’ll stay with you all the way. No matter where it takes us. My home is you—-and I’m not moving anymore.”
As much as it hurts to hear Cater sobbing and knowing what triggered this spiral, Idia's heart fills with warmth. They're going to stay together, one way or another. This bond that's grown so quickly has bloomed into something neither of them could've ever imagined. He cradles Cater against his chest, letting those tears soak into his shirt.
"You're my home, too. My save point. So even if I have to go back to the Isle of Woe for the rest of my life, I'll be okay with it as long as you're there. I'll make sure the official request goes in ASAP, and you'll travel with me when it's time."
“Okay,” Cater agrees. And then again, as his tears ease and he starts to calm, “okay.”
Slowly, his body begins to relax. He looks up, wet-faced and blotchy…but this time he starts to smile, panic mitigated. “Imagine Idia Shroud, bringing a scandal home with him.”
His voice is playful even as he sniffles. “Watch out, Isle of Woe. Cater Diamond’s coming for you.”
Idia can't help a soft snort of laughter. "The STYX researchers won't know what to make of you. You'll liven things up, that's for sure. And just think... we'll get to share a room there. No more sneaking around after curfew."
They'll have to exercise some serious willpower, otherwise they might simply stay in Idia's old room and never come out to do any work. But getting to sleep in each other's arms will do wonders for both of them, if the rare nights they get to do it at NRC are any indication.
Leaning in, Cater presses his forehead against Idia's. He laughs tiredly, but the exhaustion is just a natural progression of the emotional windstorm he'd been stuck in. His eyes are sparkling, joyous, the clouds opening up to show him the sunshine-laden path to the future.
The way forward had been blank, a chasm that Cater felt he had no choice but to plummet into...but hand-in-hand with Idia, they're building a bridge to walk forward over it. Brick by brick, they're closing the gap that separated the course of their lives.
"Not just sharing a room," he says. "We'll be living together. Are you ready to have me 24/7?"
“Ready for you? Cay, I wish it was the start of senior year now. We’ll have to get to the Isle of Woe early so we can make up for the time lost here being in different dorms. Otherwise we’ll never be able to focus on internships.”
Yeah, Idia’s pretty sure he knows what their first few days sharing a room will be like. Thankfully he has the influence to get them there a week or two early, all in the name of acclimating Cater to such a different environment. At least no one will bother them if they’re in Idia’s old room outside of working hours.
Idia smiles, savoring the contact of Cater’s forehead against his. “Never thought I’d be looking forward to going back there. Nothing would’ve made me feel that way before you joined my party.”
"A place is nothing without love," he whispers. "I've lived in so many different houses and cities...none of them mattered."
Unable to resist the pull, Cater presses his lips to Idia's, tangling their fingers and breathing him in. The influence he has is amazing--he's never been able to come out of a spiral like that so fast, before. "We'll make the Isle of Woe a home. Our home."
Every kiss with Cater is perfect, whether quick and chaste or lingering and heated. This one feels like a seal on their promise to face senior year together. But Idia has grown, concerned with more than just Ortho now. He cares about Cater, and he cares about himself for the first time in years. He can't be happy if Cater is unhappy.
"Just promise me one thing, okay?" He sounds serious, but not with the same gravity as before. He only wants to be sure. "If you're miserable there, you've gotta tell me. I'll do whatever I can to fix it, even if it means we have to go somewhere else. I'll try to go with you, or at least intern in the same city or whatever so we can live together. But I don't want you wasting away in some dark and gloomy place because of me."
“I already made you that promise,” Cater replies. “No more masks, no more secrets.”
Still, he can tell how much this means to Idia, so he nods before kissing him again. “I’m not going to be miserable. It’s impossible for me to be miserable if I’m with you. But yes, in that impossible scenario I will tell you.”
Idia breathes a sigh of relief. “Okay… sorry, I wanted to be sure. The idea of being complicit in your misery makes me sick. I’m not saccing a party member for my own benefit, especially not you.”
He will, however, face things he’d never imagined he could stand against for Cater’s sake. Like pleasing their case to his parents. Hopefully he can convince them of the merit of his plans for STYX, but it might also come down to revealing their relationship and what it’s done for both of them. Distant as they are, his mother and father haven’t been blind to the effect of Ortho’s death on Idia. They’re still harping on him for what he caused while they were away. If they can see how good Cater is for him, it might give him the leverage he needs.
He doesn’t want to think about the chain of disasters that will follow if he fails.
“Do you want to stay here tonight? We can just sleep, you’re definitely exhausted.”
At the apology, Cater shakes his head. "No, I get it. Any time you need to be reassured, I'll be sure to make it clear."
There are definitely people who would get annoyed at having to reaffirm themselves, but having felt a lot of similar insecurities, Cater completely understands where Idia's coming from. He'd rather take a second to restate his happiness than cause Idia to question himself further. And in all honesty, Cater just enjoys being able to express how happy he is with his boyfriend.
"Yeah," he agrees at the question of whether he'll stay overnight or not. "I should change out of my uniform--but I want to be here with you tonight."
After brushing his lips against Cater's forehead, Idia extracts himself from his boyfriend's arms and the comfort of the bed. "I already showered, but if you want to hop in there really quick I can stay in the room with you. If not, at least go splash some cold water on your face. I'll get out your sleep stuff."
He'd never wanted to do domestic stuff before, but taking care of Cater with these small gestures feels good and makes them both happy. Gods, he's changed so much, hasn't he? They both have. The Idia and Cater from the start of the year wouldn't recognize themselves if they saw who they'd become. But it's a good thing. They weren't exactly healthy people before, and even if they have a long way to go, they've made progress.
"Too tired to shower, I'll just wash my face." With extreme reluctance to get up, Cater slides out of bed. His hand stays squeezed in Idia's for as long as it can before he finally pulls away. Even then, he stops at the doorway to the bathroom to lean against it and look back, gazing with exhausted affection at his perfect weirdo.
"Thank you," he says, and because reaffirming the sentiment is never a bad thing, adds a sweetly spoken: "I love you, Idia Shroud."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
he he he he
Each step feels shaky but he takes things as slow as he's able to manage, clenching and unclenching his fists and trying to focus on his breathing. There's no mask on his face as he makes it into Idia's room. He looks drawn and nauseated, wordlessly going right into his boyfriend's arms and holding on tightly.
For a moment, he just needs to ground himself there.
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"Bed?" Maybe resting or just cuddling in the nest that is the Housewarden's messy bed with their mingled scents will help calm Cater down. He kisses the top of that soft copper hair, one hand rubbing up and down his boyfriend's back soothingly.
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"Everyone started talking about summer." His voice is small, thick with emotion. Cater knows that it won't be long before he starts to cry, but for now no tears come. "I didn't want to see how close it is to the end of the year."
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He's not that person anymore.
"Do you have a plan, at least? Not whatever crap you'd tell people to keep up appearances, I mean a real plan." He won't derail it if Cater does have his heart set on something, but he knows deep down what the answer will be. He just... wants to have a clear conscience before asking something selfish.
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Cater holds onto Idia like it's the only thing keeping him from sinking into a deep, cold trench. His body starts to shake. "I've been so scared of this...and I'm so much more scared now than ever. It's not just that have nothing to work toward, but now there's so much to lose."
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"Cater, you're really good at creating a positive public persona. Do you think you could do that on a bigger scale, like with an entire organization?"
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How are you feeling, Cater? I'm feeling great!
Try this cake, Cater! Okay!
Did you sleep well, Cater? Like a baby!
Are you making friends? Tons of them!
Finding one of Idia's hands, he plays with those long fingers like it's his own fidget device, trying to keep himself centered. "I guess plenty of places could use a customer service representative."
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"... I told you my code was pre-programmed a certain way before I was born. I don't really get a choice." He doesn't sound as sad about it now, simply resigned. He's a Shroud, there's no getting around it. Until research into blot and Phantoms is complete, his family is bound to their duty. "You have a choice, but you don't have any direction. You're wandering around an open-world game without a strategy guide, not even an instruction manual. So... let me be your guide and make you an offer. You don't have to say yes. I mean, I really want you to think about it, if you go along with it, it's three months minimum in the same place and it's really not a nice place, it's gloomy and serious and not in your wheelhouse but I'm trying to change things...."
Oops, he's rambling. He's more nervous about Cater's answer than he thought. He clamps his lips shut before he overwhelms his boyfriend even more.
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How can he even begin to try to find some kind of purpose for himself when the idea of being without Idia is so awful? And more than Idia, shrugging off every connection he's made over the past three years for favor of a new start, again. New everything. New loneliness. Like he's walking into the open jaws of a phantom ready to swallow him.
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“Listen to me. I don’t care if it’s the longest longshot ever, I’m getting you a position at STYX. I want to change things there, I don’t want anyone else to go through what I went through, what we’ve been putting Overblot victims through for too long. But I need your help to break STYX out of being a secret organization.” Idia takes a deep breath and huffs out a harsh sigh. “I want you by my side for senior year, even if it’s selfish to want you in a place like the Isle of Woe.”
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It felt like something just completely out of consideration. That Cater would be allowed in, that even with all of Idia's power as a Shroud there'd be no place for him. And even more than that, being told that he needs his help. Cater. Helping with something of such a huge magnitude.
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This is an enormously risky assertion. Between the pressure from his parents and the looming presence of the Jupiter family, Idia is staring down an oncoming storm. But the fear of what could crash into him is nothing next to the fear of losing Cater.
“I want you to help me start a PR department. Outreach programs, better counseling, things to help Overblot victims see us as a resource rather than a nebulous threat. Even if we could operate the way we used to, I don’t want to operate that way anymore. Things have to change, but I can’t do it without you.”
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“I never even thought that I…”
Later, he’ll have a lot more to say and to contribute. Right now though, he feels selfish too. All he cares about is being at Idia’s side.
“I’ll stay with you all the way. No matter where it takes us. My home is you—-and I’m not moving anymore.”
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"You're my home, too. My save point. So even if I have to go back to the Isle of Woe for the rest of my life, I'll be okay with it as long as you're there. I'll make sure the official request goes in ASAP, and you'll travel with me when it's time."
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Slowly, his body begins to relax. He looks up, wet-faced and blotchy…but this time he starts to smile, panic mitigated. “Imagine Idia Shroud, bringing a scandal home with him.”
His voice is playful even as he sniffles. “Watch out, Isle of Woe. Cater Diamond’s coming for you.”
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They'll have to exercise some serious willpower, otherwise they might simply stay in Idia's old room and never come out to do any work. But getting to sleep in each other's arms will do wonders for both of them, if the rare nights they get to do it at NRC are any indication.
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The way forward had been blank, a chasm that Cater felt he had no choice but to plummet into...but hand-in-hand with Idia, they're building a bridge to walk forward over it. Brick by brick, they're closing the gap that separated the course of their lives.
"Not just sharing a room," he says. "We'll be living together. Are you ready to have me 24/7?"
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Yeah, Idia’s pretty sure he knows what their first few days sharing a room will be like. Thankfully he has the influence to get them there a week or two early, all in the name of acclimating Cater to such a different environment. At least no one will bother them if they’re in Idia’s old room outside of working hours.
Idia smiles, savoring the contact of Cater’s forehead against his. “Never thought I’d be looking forward to going back there. Nothing would’ve made me feel that way before you joined my party.”
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Unable to resist the pull, Cater presses his lips to Idia's, tangling their fingers and breathing him in. The influence he has is amazing--he's never been able to come out of a spiral like that so fast, before. "We'll make the Isle of Woe a home. Our home."
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"Just promise me one thing, okay?" He sounds serious, but not with the same gravity as before. He only wants to be sure. "If you're miserable there, you've gotta tell me. I'll do whatever I can to fix it, even if it means we have to go somewhere else. I'll try to go with you, or at least intern in the same city or whatever so we can live together. But I don't want you wasting away in some dark and gloomy place because of me."
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Still, he can tell how much this means to Idia, so he nods before kissing him again. “I’m not going to be miserable. It’s impossible for me to be miserable if I’m with you. But yes, in that impossible scenario I will tell you.”
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He will, however, face things he’d never imagined he could stand against for Cater’s sake. Like pleasing their case to his parents. Hopefully he can convince them of the merit of his plans for STYX, but it might also come down to revealing their relationship and what it’s done for both of them. Distant as they are, his mother and father haven’t been blind to the effect of Ortho’s death on Idia. They’re still harping on him for what he caused while they were away. If they can see how good Cater is for him, it might give him the leverage he needs.
He doesn’t want to think about the chain of disasters that will follow if he fails.
“Do you want to stay here tonight? We can just sleep, you’re definitely exhausted.”
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There are definitely people who would get annoyed at having to reaffirm themselves, but having felt a lot of similar insecurities, Cater completely understands where Idia's coming from. He'd rather take a second to restate his happiness than cause Idia to question himself further. And in all honesty, Cater just enjoys being able to express how happy he is with his boyfriend.
"Yeah," he agrees at the question of whether he'll stay overnight or not. "I should change out of my uniform--but I want to be here with you tonight."
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He'd never wanted to do domestic stuff before, but taking care of Cater with these small gestures feels good and makes them both happy. Gods, he's changed so much, hasn't he? They both have. The Idia and Cater from the start of the year wouldn't recognize themselves if they saw who they'd become. But it's a good thing. They weren't exactly healthy people before, and even if they have a long way to go, they've made progress.
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"Thank you," he says, and because reaffirming the sentiment is never a bad thing, adds a sweetly spoken: "I love you, Idia Shroud."
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