[Cater's smile freezes in place. Of course Trey would pinpoint exactly what's going on. Not even today, but this morning he says! He whines.]
You're so cruel, Trey, holding your culinary skills over my head like that...!
[Just like that, he remembers Vil's request. He said he'd think about it, promised he'd try, and he didn't really mean to do so within 24 hours...instinctively, Cater starts to retreat mentally. Maybe he can get away with keeping things at least somewhat casual.]
So unfair, trying to make me kiss and tell.
[At least that'll give Trey an answer without actually getting real about it.]
[Cater can't help his face from starting to color as he remembers Vil's lips against his. He looks away, straightening up as he runs a hand through his hair.]
It's not like I don't trust you or anything, but it's kind of, you know...
[Cater glances around, really triple-checking that nobody's in earshot.]
Peoples' reputations might be at stake? Certain famous people?
[It's not like Trey said Vil's name or anything, but Cater still frantically waves his hands in a downward motion. He absolutely does not want anyone else getting curious and coming in to ask for the deets on the commotion.]
Okay yeah so he's out of my league and all that but maybe tone it down on the disbelief and spare my feelings, man!
[The shock quickly fades, and he gives a sigh, hand coming up to his head.]
It's not that.
[Actually, now that he thinks about it, it is the most logical option. Cater had been too comfortable with Vil to have merely been neighborhood acquaintances. He could only speculate how much more.
[This absolute brat. Cater sputters, face going even redder. Calling it like he sees it is somehow way worse than the shocked reaction.]
Okay, so we were pretty close before I moved away.
[But not like Cater ever expected that his feelings for Vil were mutual. This was honestly the kind of scenario that he'd expect from a high school romantic comedy, which is definitely not what his life is.]
But seriously, we were just kids back then. It's been, like, a decade since I'd seen him and we didn't have any contact at all between that time.
[Aside from Cater basically e-stalking him and Vil definitely knowing that he was basically e-stalking him.]
[Although his face is still pink, Cater loses some of the tension from his frame as he plops into a stool. He can't really be all that upset when he is happy about how things had panned out this morning. And Trey's supportive, even if he likes to give him a hard time.]
That sounds good!
[A nice savory dish that he can demolish with hot sauce. Watching as Trey starts to get to work, he pauses, considering his options. It would be so easy to just leave things at that. He was in a good mood because he was kissed by Vil Schoenheit. And then kissed Vil Schoenheit. Shared kisses with Vil Schoenheit.
It's so, so tempting to change the subject into something completely innocuous that he saw on Magicam. His phone is already in his hand again. If he gives in to that safety net, though, fires up his defenses, will he have the courage to take them back down again? Cater's not so sure that he will. So, the phone gets stashed into a pocket as Cater braces himself.]
Actually, things started off pretty rough this morning. I almost came back to the dorm to hide and skip out on all my classes. Nobody would've known the difference between me and one of my split cards.
[As Trey gets out the ingredients, he can't help but mull things over in his head. The reason the proclamation had startled him so thoroughly was because... Cater. Cater, who hid underneath his masks, who was terrified of rejection... taking a chance with his old childhood friend? Trey was sure he'd be afraid of rocking the boat.
Then Cater speaks up, and Trey full-on freezes in his movements, back to him. Had he heard correctly? In all their years, for all of Trey's jibing, Cater had never actually talked to him about anything remotely like this. Sure, they had some meaningful conversations, but this was... different.
After a moment, Trey starts moving again to prepare the food. He keeps his voice fairly calm and casual like Cater hasn't turned his world upside-down twice in a matter of minutes.]
...heh, that's true.
[A white lie. Trey knew. He just pretended to never notice.]
[Cater feels his hands start to sweat as he waits for any kind of reaction to what he knows is a completely out-of-character statement. Vocally out-of-character, at least. He sees the way Trey looks at him sometimes, with eyes that silently tell him what you're saying isn't true, is it? when he laughs over something that he says isn't a big deal when it really is a big deal. When someone or something upsets him, but he pretends it's all cool. Always happy, never serious.
All the times he and Trey have been level with each other, it's never been about himself. The second he was the center of attention, Cater went back to that place where nobody could get too close or know too much. But now, inexplicably, he shares.]
I was riding pretty high on being kissed, for one thing.
[His voice evens out.]
But more than that, he asked me not to make him the only person I let in. I thought running away would be a bad way to start. It would've made things a lot harder for me, and it's already pretty hard as it is.
[Cater takes a breath, then, hands clenching and unclenching before he shoves them under the counter and against his legs.]
[A light, amused sound at the first part, before he falls silent again. Tossing all the ingredients together and getting it going. Finishing off what he had going before. His expression remains fairly neutral, but he's keyed in to what Cater's saying the whole time.
After everything's set to be on its own, he stops for a moment. Vil did, huh? That makes sense. Cater never would've opened up to him on his own otherwise.
This is... a lot more than he'd ever expected.
After gathering himself together, he turns around and walks over to Cater, gaze softened. He reaches out, putting a hand on his shoulder.]
What you're doing takes a lot of courage, you know.
...heh. You've always seen right through me--I'm really no match for you.
[Proud of him, huh? Damn it. How could he steamroll over his expectations so easily? How can he be so nice to him when he's been so fake and so cold and so unwilling to actually be a good friend? Cater ducks his head as Trey's gentleness and understanding threatens to completely rupture him. His throat clenches shut and he tries to gulp past it.
How can you say that when I'm such a coward? I don't want to do this. I never wanted to do this.]
I never thought...
[Each sentiment is harder than the last one. He knows if he isn't careful, he'll just spill everything out at once and he doesn't want to just dump all of his dark thoughts all over his friend.]
I never thought I'd see you again. It was always like that. Every time I got comfortable with someone, I had to leave. The better of friends I am with someone, the worse it is. High School graduation was supposed to be the last time I ever saw you, but we're here together and I can't help how attached I'm getting, but even this has a deadline. Once we're in our senior year, we won't be here anymore. We'll have festivals and then what? It haunts me. I think about it every single day. I think if I slip up, if I'm not careful, someone's going to get too close and I'm going to let it happen, and the fallout is going to be devastating.
[He should've known. He was already feeling fragile. Of course he wouldn't be able to stop himself.]
You shouldn't be proud of me, Trey. I still don't think this is a good idea, because I want it so badly.
[Trey stays there, and his hand drifts to Cater's upper back, slowly rubbing as everything comes spilling out. His expression is somber and unchanging, eyes resting on the counter.
He lets out a small sigh at the end. That's... incredibly heavy. He'd always had a suspicion what was going on in Cater's mind, but never had this clear a picture. A lot of things make sense, now.]
Sounds like you have a lot of experience with abandonment.
[It's a quiet comment as he stews over what all he heard.
Finally, he goes with:]
I know this might be difficult to believe, but you aren't someone who I've just tolerated through high school and into college. You're my friend, and I care about you.
It wasn't ever as if I was just going to forget about you. Even if we both hadn't ended up here, I still had full intention of keeping in contact.
But... I guess I still didn't do it often enough to have you think otherwise.
[If there was anything he could have done, really. Cater seems to be fully immersed in this story where he's always alone. Besides being a self-fulfilling prophecy, any genuine attempts at connection are less likely to be noticed. Easier to doubt.]
[Cater shakes his head. He feels on the precipice of a panic attack, but Trey's comforting hand on his back keeps him from tipping over all the way. Still, his breathing is strained. Sometimes, it really feels like he's back against a door, trying to keep all of this in when he's slamming into him full force, trying to get in, and his feet are giving out underneath him.]
No, no, it isn't you. I've been running away. I started running away before we met.
[After losing Vil. It had always hurt, losing friends. But that one had been too much. He just wanted someone to be there with him, but how could he trust that he could stay?]
If we weren't here and you'd messaged me, I'd probably have blown you off until you stopped trying.
[Even being plain now, even being told that he matters, he still feels like he needs to run away. He believes Trey, and he believes Vil, but that's the problem. That's what's so scary.]
I can't help thinking that no matter what either of us do, something's going to happen that's completely outside of our control. I can't shut out that voice.
[Trey can tell this is really taking a toll on him. And this... is definitely something he needs some professional help for. But that would have to come later. He was starting to take small steps in the right direction, and he had to expand his comfort zone by quite a bit before seeing a stranger for help was even in the cards.]
Deep, slow breaths, Cater.
[The rubbing of his back has slowed even more, his voice lowering, everything to emanate calm for his friend.]
Why don't you head to our room and lay down for a bit? I'll be there with food in about fifteen minutes.
[Gulping, Cater nods. He takes a moment just to breathe before he's able to properly respond.]
Yeah...yeah I should probably do that. Sorry--I didn't mean to get so intense all of a sudden.
[Stupid, pathetic, weak idiot, he chides himself. Look at you, making everyone uncomfortable. This is what happens when you're honest. Cater still has to take another minute, but then he stands. Just in case he runs into anyone else on the way to their room, he needs to slap his mask back on.]
And, uh...thanks. I really appreciate this. [A beat, and then he clarifies.] I mean you. I really appreciate you.
Hey... don't apologize for that. You're going through a lot. It's only natural that you're overwhelmed.
[Trey stays there with him, slowly rubbing his back the entire time.
He's worried for him, but... he's relieved, too. Now, he had at least two people to help him battle the demons in his head. It would take time, but this is incredible progress all the same.
He gives him a reassuring smile as he stands. The words have his smile warming.]
Of course. You sharing all of this means a lot to me.
[A light pat to the back.]
And when I come to the room, I'm happy to go at whatever pace works best for you.
[His hand slides back up to his shoulder and gives a reaffirming squeeze before finally withdrawing, and Trey walks back to the stove to tend to the food.]
[Finally, Cater manages a smile. It's small and exhausted, but there's nothing plastic about it. This is Cater Diamond, really: lonely, tired, and broken. It's difficult through the cracks in the walls of his self-isolation, but he's starting to see that he is seen.
That for as scary as it is, maybe it's worth the risk to reach out and take the hands offered to him. Maybe they'll keep him from falling.]
Okay--that sounds good to me.
[He watches Trey get back to work for a long few seconds before retreating up to their room, where he can slip out of his shoes and fall hard onto his mattress face-first. Undoing his hair with one hand and flinging the bobby pins somewhere absently in the direction of his nightstand, Cater screams into his pillow.]
[Trey's mind is a whirlwind as he cooks, rinses the dishes and packages and serves the food.
He wouldn't tell a soul, of course. He wouldn't let anyone know anything had passed between them, and let nothing seem different in their interactions. He knew that persona was Cater's desperately needed safe space, and too many people catching on too soon was bound to spell disaster.
And he'd have to let Cater know as such, too. He didn't want his acting as if nothing had changed to come off the wrong way. He knew there was only so much he could do to ease such a distressed mind, but the least he could do was try his best.
So roughly about fifteen minutes later, he knocks, announces himself, then comes in with two servings of chili for the both of them.
Naturally, he grabbed the hot sauce for Cater, and he sets that and his portion on Cater's beside table.]
[When the door opens, Cater's face-up again, browsing his phone and looking much less frazzled. He sits up, turning off his phone and putting it down.]
Yeah, definitely. I know you told me I didn't have to be sorry but I can't help feeling a little bad. I really went from 0 to 100 on you.
[The smell of fresh food reminds him just how hungry he is and he reaches for the bowl and hot sauce, thankful for Trey all over again.]
Aahhh, this smells so good! You're the best, Trey--thanks for dinner!
[Even though the tone's the most lighthearted he's sounded since earlier, the eagerness in which he digs in once he's thoroughly spiced his chili is evidence enough that he's not just putting on airs.]
It really is fine, Cater. [There's a lightly amused look on his face. Nothing about him suggests he was genuinely bothered by the outburst.] It's not like you were holding me there at gunpoint.
[Trey's not a person whose friendships are based on obligation. And Trey will keep repeating these sentiments as many times as the teen needs for him to really, truly begin to believe that.
His smile brightens as Cater perks up at the food, and he walks over to his bed, taking a seat. The question gets a chuckle.]
Lots of practice, mainly. It helps when food's a pretty central part of your family.
—geeze, slow down a bit or you're going to choke. If you're that hungry, just focus on eating.
[Okay he'll swallow and let out a happy breath before he keeps talking, because he knows his manners.]
Two emotional breakdowns in the span of roughly 12 hours takes a lot out of a person. This chili is healing me.
[The fact that it was made by Trey is really all that matters. It could've tasted like anything and just sharing it with his friend fills him with a warmth beyond the temperature of the food itself.]
[Poor guy. Just the one with Trey had seemed like it could take someone out for the rest of the day. And he had two? No wonder he wanted to just retreat to the dorm.
He takes a bite of his own, and, after swallowing, he says:]
You know, it might not be a bad idea to give yourself a sick day tomorrow. You've been through a lot, and taking days off for mental health is both becoming more common and encouraged.
[Cater can't help his mind going to thoughts of will people wonder why I'm not in class? And especially since he had such an important moment with Vil this morning, would he be worried not seeing him around?]
I think I'll see how I feel in the morning. See if I get enough sleep to feel grounded.
[It's progress, at least. He isn't blowing off the idea. His doubts have the wheel but he's pushing down on the breaks.]
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You're so cruel, Trey, holding your culinary skills over my head like that...!
[Just like that, he remembers Vil's request. He said he'd think about it, promised he'd try, and he didn't really mean to do so within 24 hours...instinctively, Cater starts to retreat mentally. Maybe he can get away with keeping things at least somewhat casual.]
So unfair, trying to make me kiss and tell.
[At least that'll give Trey an answer without actually getting real about it.]
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I do like to get some sort of compensation now and then.
[Also, it's just fun to tease Cater and make him squirm.
The words make him raise his eyebrows.]
Kiss and tell? No kidding?
[... huh. It's not like he has eyes on Cater 24/7, but still, it baffles him that he's not really sure who it could be.]
Come on, Cater, we're not in high school anymore. Who is it?
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[Cater can't help his face from starting to color as he remembers Vil's lips against his. He looks away, straightening up as he runs a hand through his hair.]
It's not like I don't trust you or anything, but it's kind of, you know...
[Cater glances around, really triple-checking that nobody's in earshot.]
Peoples' reputations might be at stake? Certain famous people?
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...
What.
Trey promptly stops everything he's doing around to spin and stare at Cater.]
Huh?!
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[It's not like Trey said Vil's name or anything, but Cater still frantically waves his hands in a downward motion. He absolutely does not want anyone else getting curious and coming in to ask for the deets on the commotion.]
Okay yeah so he's out of my league and all that but maybe tone it down on the disbelief and spare my feelings, man!
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It's not that.
[Actually, now that he thinks about it, it is the most logical option. Cater had been too comfortable with Vil to have merely been neighborhood acquaintances. He could only speculate how much more.
... seems he underestimated.
He smirks.]
Just lived in the same neighborhood, huh?
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Okay, so we were pretty close before I moved away.
[But not like Cater ever expected that his feelings for Vil were mutual. This was honestly the kind of scenario that he'd expect from a high school romantic comedy, which is definitely not what his life is.]
But seriously, we were just kids back then. It's been, like, a decade since I'd seen him and we didn't have any contact at all between that time.
[Aside from Cater basically e-stalking him and Vil definitely knowing that he was basically e-stalking him.]
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I believe you, I believe you.
[He starts heading over to the fridge with a smile.]
Still, you must've made a pretty big impact on him. A really big one if those feelings came up even after being separate for so long.
[He reaches over, clapping a hand on his shoulder.]
Good for you. How's some chili sound?
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That sounds good!
[A nice savory dish that he can demolish with hot sauce. Watching as Trey starts to get to work, he pauses, considering his options. It would be so easy to just leave things at that. He was in a good mood because he was kissed by Vil Schoenheit. And then kissed Vil Schoenheit. Shared kisses with Vil Schoenheit.
It's so, so tempting to change the subject into something completely innocuous that he saw on Magicam. His phone is already in his hand again. If he gives in to that safety net, though, fires up his defenses, will he have the courage to take them back down again? Cater's not so sure that he will. So, the phone gets stashed into a pocket as Cater braces himself.]
Actually, things started off pretty rough this morning. I almost came back to the dorm to hide and skip out on all my classes. Nobody would've known the difference between me and one of my split cards.
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Then Cater speaks up, and Trey full-on freezes in his movements, back to him. Had he heard correctly? In all their years, for all of Trey's jibing, Cater had never actually talked to him about anything remotely like this. Sure, they had some meaningful conversations, but this was... different.
After a moment, Trey starts moving again to prepare the food. He keeps his voice fairly calm and casual like Cater hasn't turned his world upside-down twice in a matter of minutes.]
...heh, that's true.
[A white lie. Trey knew. He just pretended to never notice.]
What changed your mind?
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All the times he and Trey have been level with each other, it's never been about himself. The second he was the center of attention, Cater went back to that place where nobody could get too close or know too much. But now, inexplicably, he shares.]
I was riding pretty high on being kissed, for one thing.
[His voice evens out.]
But more than that, he asked me not to make him the only person I let in. I thought running away would be a bad way to start. It would've made things a lot harder for me, and it's already pretty hard as it is.
[Cater takes a breath, then, hands clenching and unclenching before he shoves them under the counter and against his legs.]
My mask is off, now.
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After everything's set to be on its own, he stops for a moment. Vil did, huh? That makes sense. Cater never would've opened up to him on his own otherwise.
This is... a lot more than he'd ever expected.
After gathering himself together, he turns around and walks over to Cater, gaze softened. He reaches out, putting a hand on his shoulder.]
What you're doing takes a lot of courage, you know.
[A gentle smile.]
I'm proud of you, Cater.
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[Proud of him, huh? Damn it. How could he steamroll over his expectations so easily? How can he be so nice to him when he's been so fake and so cold and so unwilling to actually be a good friend? Cater ducks his head as Trey's gentleness and understanding threatens to completely rupture him. His throat clenches shut and he tries to gulp past it.
How can you say that when I'm such a coward? I don't want to do this. I never wanted to do this.]
I never thought...
[Each sentiment is harder than the last one. He knows if he isn't careful, he'll just spill everything out at once and he doesn't want to just dump all of his dark thoughts all over his friend.]
I never thought I'd see you again. It was always like that. Every time I got comfortable with someone, I had to leave. The better of friends I am with someone, the worse it is. High School graduation was supposed to be the last time I ever saw you, but we're here together and I can't help how attached I'm getting, but even this has a deadline. Once we're in our senior year, we won't be here anymore. We'll have festivals and then what? It haunts me. I think about it every single day. I think if I slip up, if I'm not careful, someone's going to get too close and I'm going to let it happen, and the fallout is going to be devastating.
[He should've known. He was already feeling fragile. Of course he wouldn't be able to stop himself.]
You shouldn't be proud of me, Trey. I still don't think this is a good idea, because I want it so badly.
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He lets out a small sigh at the end. That's... incredibly heavy. He'd always had a suspicion what was going on in Cater's mind, but never had this clear a picture. A lot of things make sense, now.]
Sounds like you have a lot of experience with abandonment.
[It's a quiet comment as he stews over what all he heard.
Finally, he goes with:]
I know this might be difficult to believe, but you aren't someone who I've just tolerated through high school and into college. You're my friend, and I care about you.
It wasn't ever as if I was just going to forget about you. Even if we both hadn't ended up here, I still had full intention of keeping in contact.
But... I guess I still didn't do it often enough to have you think otherwise.
[If there was anything he could have done, really. Cater seems to be fully immersed in this story where he's always alone. Besides being a self-fulfilling prophecy, any genuine attempts at connection are less likely to be noticed. Easier to doubt.]
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No, no, it isn't you. I've been running away. I started running away before we met.
[After losing Vil. It had always hurt, losing friends. But that one had been too much. He just wanted someone to be there with him, but how could he trust that he could stay?]
If we weren't here and you'd messaged me, I'd probably have blown you off until you stopped trying.
[Even being plain now, even being told that he matters, he still feels like he needs to run away. He believes Trey, and he believes Vil, but that's the problem. That's what's so scary.]
I can't help thinking that no matter what either of us do, something's going to happen that's completely outside of our control. I can't shut out that voice.
[Cater clutches at his own hair.]
It's so loud.
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Deep, slow breaths, Cater.
[The rubbing of his back has slowed even more, his voice lowering, everything to emanate calm for his friend.]
Why don't you head to our room and lay down for a bit? I'll be there with food in about fifteen minutes.
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Yeah...yeah I should probably do that. Sorry--I didn't mean to get so intense all of a sudden.
[Stupid, pathetic, weak idiot, he chides himself. Look at you, making everyone uncomfortable. This is what happens when you're honest. Cater still has to take another minute, but then he stands. Just in case he runs into anyone else on the way to their room, he needs to slap his mask back on.]
And, uh...thanks. I really appreciate this. [A beat, and then he clarifies.] I mean you. I really appreciate you.
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[Trey stays there with him, slowly rubbing his back the entire time.
He's worried for him, but... he's relieved, too. Now, he had at least two people to help him battle the demons in his head. It would take time, but this is incredible progress all the same.
He gives him a reassuring smile as he stands. The words have his smile warming.]
Of course. You sharing all of this means a lot to me.
[A light pat to the back.]
And when I come to the room, I'm happy to go at whatever pace works best for you.
[His hand slides back up to his shoulder and gives a reaffirming squeeze before finally withdrawing, and Trey walks back to the stove to tend to the food.]
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That for as scary as it is, maybe it's worth the risk to reach out and take the hands offered to him. Maybe they'll keep him from falling.]
Okay--that sounds good to me.
[He watches Trey get back to work for a long few seconds before retreating up to their room, where he can slip out of his shoes and fall hard onto his mattress face-first. Undoing his hair with one hand and flinging the bobby pins somewhere absently in the direction of his nightstand, Cater screams into his pillow.]
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He wouldn't tell a soul, of course. He wouldn't let anyone know anything had passed between them, and let nothing seem different in their interactions. He knew that persona was Cater's desperately needed safe space, and too many people catching on too soon was bound to spell disaster.
And he'd have to let Cater know as such, too. He didn't want his acting as if nothing had changed to come off the wrong way. He knew there was only so much he could do to ease such a distressed mind, but the least he could do was try his best.
So roughly about fifteen minutes later, he knocks, announces himself, then comes in with two servings of chili for the both of them.
Naturally, he grabbed the hot sauce for Cater, and he sets that and his portion on Cater's beside table.]
Feeling any calmer?
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Yeah, definitely. I know you told me I didn't have to be sorry but I can't help feeling a little bad. I really went from 0 to 100 on you.
[The smell of fresh food reminds him just how hungry he is and he reaches for the bowl and hot sauce, thankful for Trey all over again.]
Aahhh, this smells so good! You're the best, Trey--thanks for dinner!
[Even though the tone's the most lighthearted he's sounded since earlier, the eagerness in which he digs in once he's thoroughly spiced his chili is evidence enough that he's not just putting on airs.]
How are you so good at cooking and baking?
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[Trey's not a person whose friendships are based on obligation. And Trey will keep repeating these sentiments as many times as the teen needs for him to really, truly begin to believe that.
His smile brightens as Cater perks up at the food, and he walks over to his bed, taking a seat. The question gets a chuckle.]
Lots of practice, mainly. It helps when food's a pretty central part of your family.
—geeze, slow down a bit or you're going to choke. If you're that hungry, just focus on eating.
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[Okay he'll swallow and let out a happy breath before he keeps talking, because he knows his manners.]
Two emotional breakdowns in the span of roughly 12 hours takes a lot out of a person. This chili is healing me.
[The fact that it was made by Trey is really all that matters. It could've tasted like anything and just sharing it with his friend fills him with a warmth beyond the temperature of the food itself.]
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[Poor guy. Just the one with Trey had seemed like it could take someone out for the rest of the day. And he had two? No wonder he wanted to just retreat to the dorm.
He takes a bite of his own, and, after swallowing, he says:]
You know, it might not be a bad idea to give yourself a sick day tomorrow. You've been through a lot, and taking days off for mental health is both becoming more common and encouraged.
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[Cater can't help his mind going to thoughts of will people wonder why I'm not in class? And especially since he had such an important moment with Vil this morning, would he be worried not seeing him around?]
I think I'll see how I feel in the morning. See if I get enough sleep to feel grounded.
[It's progress, at least. He isn't blowing off the idea. His doubts have the wheel but he's pushing down on the breaks.]
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