[Cater shakes his head. He feels on the precipice of a panic attack, but Trey's comforting hand on his back keeps him from tipping over all the way. Still, his breathing is strained. Sometimes, it really feels like he's back against a door, trying to keep all of this in when he's slamming into him full force, trying to get in, and his feet are giving out underneath him.]
No, no, it isn't you. I've been running away. I started running away before we met.
[After losing Vil. It had always hurt, losing friends. But that one had been too much. He just wanted someone to be there with him, but how could he trust that he could stay?]
If we weren't here and you'd messaged me, I'd probably have blown you off until you stopped trying.
[Even being plain now, even being told that he matters, he still feels like he needs to run away. He believes Trey, and he believes Vil, but that's the problem. That's what's so scary.]
I can't help thinking that no matter what either of us do, something's going to happen that's completely outside of our control. I can't shut out that voice.
[Trey can tell this is really taking a toll on him. And this... is definitely something he needs some professional help for. But that would have to come later. He was starting to take small steps in the right direction, and he had to expand his comfort zone by quite a bit before seeing a stranger for help was even in the cards.]
Deep, slow breaths, Cater.
[The rubbing of his back has slowed even more, his voice lowering, everything to emanate calm for his friend.]
Why don't you head to our room and lay down for a bit? I'll be there with food in about fifteen minutes.
[Gulping, Cater nods. He takes a moment just to breathe before he's able to properly respond.]
Yeah...yeah I should probably do that. Sorry--I didn't mean to get so intense all of a sudden.
[Stupid, pathetic, weak idiot, he chides himself. Look at you, making everyone uncomfortable. This is what happens when you're honest. Cater still has to take another minute, but then he stands. Just in case he runs into anyone else on the way to their room, he needs to slap his mask back on.]
And, uh...thanks. I really appreciate this. [A beat, and then he clarifies.] I mean you. I really appreciate you.
Hey... don't apologize for that. You're going through a lot. It's only natural that you're overwhelmed.
[Trey stays there with him, slowly rubbing his back the entire time.
He's worried for him, but... he's relieved, too. Now, he had at least two people to help him battle the demons in his head. It would take time, but this is incredible progress all the same.
He gives him a reassuring smile as he stands. The words have his smile warming.]
Of course. You sharing all of this means a lot to me.
[A light pat to the back.]
And when I come to the room, I'm happy to go at whatever pace works best for you.
[His hand slides back up to his shoulder and gives a reaffirming squeeze before finally withdrawing, and Trey walks back to the stove to tend to the food.]
[Finally, Cater manages a smile. It's small and exhausted, but there's nothing plastic about it. This is Cater Diamond, really: lonely, tired, and broken. It's difficult through the cracks in the walls of his self-isolation, but he's starting to see that he is seen.
That for as scary as it is, maybe it's worth the risk to reach out and take the hands offered to him. Maybe they'll keep him from falling.]
Okay--that sounds good to me.
[He watches Trey get back to work for a long few seconds before retreating up to their room, where he can slip out of his shoes and fall hard onto his mattress face-first. Undoing his hair with one hand and flinging the bobby pins somewhere absently in the direction of his nightstand, Cater screams into his pillow.]
[Trey's mind is a whirlwind as he cooks, rinses the dishes and packages and serves the food.
He wouldn't tell a soul, of course. He wouldn't let anyone know anything had passed between them, and let nothing seem different in their interactions. He knew that persona was Cater's desperately needed safe space, and too many people catching on too soon was bound to spell disaster.
And he'd have to let Cater know as such, too. He didn't want his acting as if nothing had changed to come off the wrong way. He knew there was only so much he could do to ease such a distressed mind, but the least he could do was try his best.
So roughly about fifteen minutes later, he knocks, announces himself, then comes in with two servings of chili for the both of them.
Naturally, he grabbed the hot sauce for Cater, and he sets that and his portion on Cater's beside table.]
[When the door opens, Cater's face-up again, browsing his phone and looking much less frazzled. He sits up, turning off his phone and putting it down.]
Yeah, definitely. I know you told me I didn't have to be sorry but I can't help feeling a little bad. I really went from 0 to 100 on you.
[The smell of fresh food reminds him just how hungry he is and he reaches for the bowl and hot sauce, thankful for Trey all over again.]
Aahhh, this smells so good! You're the best, Trey--thanks for dinner!
[Even though the tone's the most lighthearted he's sounded since earlier, the eagerness in which he digs in once he's thoroughly spiced his chili is evidence enough that he's not just putting on airs.]
It really is fine, Cater. [There's a lightly amused look on his face. Nothing about him suggests he was genuinely bothered by the outburst.] It's not like you were holding me there at gunpoint.
[Trey's not a person whose friendships are based on obligation. And Trey will keep repeating these sentiments as many times as the teen needs for him to really, truly begin to believe that.
His smile brightens as Cater perks up at the food, and he walks over to his bed, taking a seat. The question gets a chuckle.]
Lots of practice, mainly. It helps when food's a pretty central part of your family.
—geeze, slow down a bit or you're going to choke. If you're that hungry, just focus on eating.
[Okay he'll swallow and let out a happy breath before he keeps talking, because he knows his manners.]
Two emotional breakdowns in the span of roughly 12 hours takes a lot out of a person. This chili is healing me.
[The fact that it was made by Trey is really all that matters. It could've tasted like anything and just sharing it with his friend fills him with a warmth beyond the temperature of the food itself.]
[Poor guy. Just the one with Trey had seemed like it could take someone out for the rest of the day. And he had two? No wonder he wanted to just retreat to the dorm.
He takes a bite of his own, and, after swallowing, he says:]
You know, it might not be a bad idea to give yourself a sick day tomorrow. You've been through a lot, and taking days off for mental health is both becoming more common and encouraged.
[Cater can't help his mind going to thoughts of will people wonder why I'm not in class? And especially since he had such an important moment with Vil this morning, would he be worried not seeing him around?]
I think I'll see how I feel in the morning. See if I get enough sleep to feel grounded.
[It's progress, at least. He isn't blowing off the idea. His doubts have the wheel but he's pushing down on the breaks.]
[He's slowing down with eating now, and hugs around one of his pillow as he stirs what's left of his food. Trey's words hit him right in the heart, and there's nervousness there but mostly...mostly just appreciation. He really felt that way? Cater could tell there was a perception there of his inner workings but to know that there was worry...]
I struggle a lot with feeling powerless to change things--I'm sorry that I made you feel that way, too.
[Cater's not sure if anything really can be done. But from where he's sitting now, the worst of his anxiety temporarily quelled?]
More than anything, I'm just relieved.
[From now on, when it's just the two of them, he doesn't have to be someone he isn't. He had no idea that such a concept would take so much weight off of his shoulders.]
[He figured that Trey wouldn't just out him to everyone in any kind of way, but having that reassurance put into words is helpful. The people closest to him would likely be at least some manner of kind, but there are plenty of others who he's sure would talk. Both about his different attitude and about his relationship with Vil. People always talk.]
You're really a great friend.
[Probably better than he deserves, but Cater's not so selfless that he's going to turn him away now. It took him so much courage and the rallying of outside forces to get to where they are; Trey was now firmly in the inner circle.]
Hey, hey. Don't be getting all sappy on me, now. What are friends for, after all?
[He gives a little grin, then gets up, reaching to take Cater's dishes.]
Soooo... you and Mr. Lucky. [Yup, the teasing is back.] How do you plan on making this work out? People already notice the two of you hanging out together. And you know him, eyes no matter where he goes.
[A grin.]
Is this shaping up to be the beginning of a forbidden love?
First of all, pretty sure you're both lucky. Ask him yourself.
[Do it. He dares you.
There's a hum at the next part.]
Is he? Can't say I really know much about that life.
And I don't know too much about him, either, but... He comes off as the kind of guy who knows exactly what he wants, you know? Not someone who just jumps into situations without thinking.
However this might affect him, I'm pretty sure he's already considered it— and believed you were worth it.
[He gets it, Trey! The self-deprecation can stay at the door. But Vil's, like, the most incredible person ever. Cater doesn't even have to compare himself to him to think that it could cause some kind of scandal if even one picture of them holding hands or kissing got out. At least just hanging out normally, nobody can accuse them of being anything other than good friends. They could think it, but who would want to get on Vil's bad side, seriously? The guy is terrifying when he wants to be.
Which Cater thinks is totally dreamy, but that's not something Trey needs to hear.]
You're right, though. He's probably already way ahead of me. I just need to ask him how he wants to move forward from here.
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No, no, it isn't you. I've been running away. I started running away before we met.
[After losing Vil. It had always hurt, losing friends. But that one had been too much. He just wanted someone to be there with him, but how could he trust that he could stay?]
If we weren't here and you'd messaged me, I'd probably have blown you off until you stopped trying.
[Even being plain now, even being told that he matters, he still feels like he needs to run away. He believes Trey, and he believes Vil, but that's the problem. That's what's so scary.]
I can't help thinking that no matter what either of us do, something's going to happen that's completely outside of our control. I can't shut out that voice.
[Cater clutches at his own hair.]
It's so loud.
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Deep, slow breaths, Cater.
[The rubbing of his back has slowed even more, his voice lowering, everything to emanate calm for his friend.]
Why don't you head to our room and lay down for a bit? I'll be there with food in about fifteen minutes.
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Yeah...yeah I should probably do that. Sorry--I didn't mean to get so intense all of a sudden.
[Stupid, pathetic, weak idiot, he chides himself. Look at you, making everyone uncomfortable. This is what happens when you're honest. Cater still has to take another minute, but then he stands. Just in case he runs into anyone else on the way to their room, he needs to slap his mask back on.]
And, uh...thanks. I really appreciate this. [A beat, and then he clarifies.] I mean you. I really appreciate you.
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[Trey stays there with him, slowly rubbing his back the entire time.
He's worried for him, but... he's relieved, too. Now, he had at least two people to help him battle the demons in his head. It would take time, but this is incredible progress all the same.
He gives him a reassuring smile as he stands. The words have his smile warming.]
Of course. You sharing all of this means a lot to me.
[A light pat to the back.]
And when I come to the room, I'm happy to go at whatever pace works best for you.
[His hand slides back up to his shoulder and gives a reaffirming squeeze before finally withdrawing, and Trey walks back to the stove to tend to the food.]
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That for as scary as it is, maybe it's worth the risk to reach out and take the hands offered to him. Maybe they'll keep him from falling.]
Okay--that sounds good to me.
[He watches Trey get back to work for a long few seconds before retreating up to their room, where he can slip out of his shoes and fall hard onto his mattress face-first. Undoing his hair with one hand and flinging the bobby pins somewhere absently in the direction of his nightstand, Cater screams into his pillow.]
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He wouldn't tell a soul, of course. He wouldn't let anyone know anything had passed between them, and let nothing seem different in their interactions. He knew that persona was Cater's desperately needed safe space, and too many people catching on too soon was bound to spell disaster.
And he'd have to let Cater know as such, too. He didn't want his acting as if nothing had changed to come off the wrong way. He knew there was only so much he could do to ease such a distressed mind, but the least he could do was try his best.
So roughly about fifteen minutes later, he knocks, announces himself, then comes in with two servings of chili for the both of them.
Naturally, he grabbed the hot sauce for Cater, and he sets that and his portion on Cater's beside table.]
Feeling any calmer?
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Yeah, definitely. I know you told me I didn't have to be sorry but I can't help feeling a little bad. I really went from 0 to 100 on you.
[The smell of fresh food reminds him just how hungry he is and he reaches for the bowl and hot sauce, thankful for Trey all over again.]
Aahhh, this smells so good! You're the best, Trey--thanks for dinner!
[Even though the tone's the most lighthearted he's sounded since earlier, the eagerness in which he digs in once he's thoroughly spiced his chili is evidence enough that he's not just putting on airs.]
How are you so good at cooking and baking?
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[Trey's not a person whose friendships are based on obligation. And Trey will keep repeating these sentiments as many times as the teen needs for him to really, truly begin to believe that.
His smile brightens as Cater perks up at the food, and he walks over to his bed, taking a seat. The question gets a chuckle.]
Lots of practice, mainly. It helps when food's a pretty central part of your family.
—geeze, slow down a bit or you're going to choke. If you're that hungry, just focus on eating.
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[Okay he'll swallow and let out a happy breath before he keeps talking, because he knows his manners.]
Two emotional breakdowns in the span of roughly 12 hours takes a lot out of a person. This chili is healing me.
[The fact that it was made by Trey is really all that matters. It could've tasted like anything and just sharing it with his friend fills him with a warmth beyond the temperature of the food itself.]
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[Poor guy. Just the one with Trey had seemed like it could take someone out for the rest of the day. And he had two? No wonder he wanted to just retreat to the dorm.
He takes a bite of his own, and, after swallowing, he says:]
You know, it might not be a bad idea to give yourself a sick day tomorrow. You've been through a lot, and taking days off for mental health is both becoming more common and encouraged.
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[Cater can't help his mind going to thoughts of will people wonder why I'm not in class? And especially since he had such an important moment with Vil this morning, would he be worried not seeing him around?]
I think I'll see how I feel in the morning. See if I get enough sleep to feel grounded.
[It's progress, at least. He isn't blowing off the idea. His doubts have the wheel but he's pushing down on the breaks.]
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So he gives a hum of acknowledgment and eats. As he nears the end of his meal, he gently lays the utensils on the dish.
His voice is quiet and sober.]
I really do want to stress how much it means to me. I've worried over you a long time.
Mostly... I'm just happy to see you making a change, at all. It's a huge relief.
But the fact you've also decided to come to me... means a lot. I've always wished I could do more.
Now, I finally can.
Even if you still think it's a bad idea... even if you didn't want to... I'm still grateful.
Thanks, Cater.
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I struggle a lot with feeling powerless to change things--I'm sorry that I made you feel that way, too.
[Cater's not sure if anything really can be done. But from where he's sitting now, the worst of his anxiety temporarily quelled?]
More than anything, I'm just relieved.
[From now on, when it's just the two of them, he doesn't have to be someone he isn't. He had no idea that such a concept would take so much weight off of his shoulders.]
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What matters is you've made a pivotal change. Now we can work together to get you on the right track.
[A softened smirk at that.]
Good. You deserve to have that weight off your shoulders. Take it easy for a bit.
[And then he remembers and loosely crosses his arms.]
Oh yeah. Don't worry, I won't let on that anything's changed. That reveal is yours to decide if and when you want to do it.
When we're in public, it'll be same old, same old. Sound good?
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[He figured that Trey wouldn't just out him to everyone in any kind of way, but having that reassurance put into words is helpful. The people closest to him would likely be at least some manner of kind, but there are plenty of others who he's sure would talk. Both about his different attitude and about his relationship with Vil. People always talk.]
You're really a great friend.
[Probably better than he deserves, but Cater's not so selfless that he's going to turn him away now. It took him so much courage and the rallying of outside forces to get to where they are; Trey was now firmly in the inner circle.]
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[He gives a little grin, then gets up, reaching to take Cater's dishes.]
Soooo... you and Mr. Lucky. [Yup, the teasing is back.] How do you plan on making this work out? People already notice the two of you hanging out together. And you know him, eyes no matter where he goes.
[A grin.]
Is this shaping up to be the beginning of a forbidden love?
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Okay, first of all, if anyone is Mr. Lucky in this situation it's definitely me.
[Second of all...?]
I absolutely, totally have no idea! I guess I'm pretty chill with whatever he thinks is best? I mean, he absolutely has the most to lose.
[Though thinking about it, dating in public? Cater's probably going to have to brace himself for an insane amount of online flaming.]
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First of all, pretty sure you're both lucky. Ask him yourself.
[Do it. He dares you.
There's a hum at the next part.]
Is he? Can't say I really know much about that life.
And I don't know too much about him, either, but... He comes off as the kind of guy who knows exactly what he wants, you know? Not someone who just jumps into situations without thinking.
However this might affect him, I'm pretty sure he's already considered it— and believed you were worth it.
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[He gets it, Trey! The self-deprecation can stay at the door. But Vil's, like, the most incredible person ever. Cater doesn't even have to compare himself to him to think that it could cause some kind of scandal if even one picture of them holding hands or kissing got out. At least just hanging out normally, nobody can accuse them of being anything other than good friends. They could think it, but who would want to get on Vil's bad side, seriously? The guy is terrifying when he wants to be.
Which Cater thinks is totally dreamy, but that's not something Trey needs to hear.]
You're right, though. He's probably already way ahead of me. I just need to ask him how he wants to move forward from here.
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Sounds like a plan. And don't forget to speak up if there's anything you're not okay with.
[...but Trey has a good feeling they'll be alright. Vil doesn't seem like a guy who'd treat a romantic interest poorly.]
I'm heading down to put away the dishes, and then I'll be out for a bit. Shoot me a message if you need anything.