caycay | I've Been Lonely

It's a test of his own willpower not to beg for more. He'd never tried--never thought to or had the patience--to make it last this long. Chasing pleasure always got to a point where it became a race to the finish line. It's amazing the way Idia's grasp makes him feel like he's unraveling, and Cater's sure that someone else doing the same wouldn't have nearly as comparable an effect.

Each time Idia comes in for what's almost a kiss he tries to chase it, everything about him craving more and more physical connection. His pulse resounds throughout his body, his skin hot to the point where the line separating pleasure and agony is growing thinner. Each stroke feels like it's going to make him burst but when that doesn't quite happen his knees wobble, hips bucking slightly forward into that maddeningly slow touch.

"Idia," Cater moans, his name coming out unbidden and leaden with want. His hands grip tightly into the other boy's skin as he sputters, face contorting--he can barely keep his own eyes open. So close!

Wanting to ravage Cater's mouth, wanting to hear more of his name moaned in that voice, wanting to see the other boy come undone, want want want, and Idia feels selfish and yet so focused on giving. He offers mercy in the form of quicker, firmer strokes, remembering how he felt in Cater's hold. He studies Cater's face as if those expressions are the most fascinating thing he's ever seen.

Despite the bruising grip Cater has on his back, Idia barely notices anything except Cater's growing ecstasy. Carefully he urges his friend back to the wall, letting the steamy tiles help to keep Cater upright, and presses the pad of his thumb into the crown of the other boy's erection in rolling circles. It's like using a thumbstick on a controller, he's done it to himself before the few times he's bothered touching himself, and it always feels good so maybe....

Hot, hard, throbbing. All Cater can hear is the sound of the water, the sound of his own heart pounding in his ears. How can something so simple be so good--so incredible? It's like his whole body is pulled taught by a wire on the verge of snapping and damn if he doesn't want it to snap and let him go tumbling just as much as he doesn't want it to stop at all but allow him to stay suspended in time for more, more!

It hadn't been all that long ago that Cater had found himself fantasizing about the things Idia could do with those hands as he watched him manipulate a controller. Here he was, proving the theory right. In his heightened state it's beyond what Cater can take. His whole body tenses, a breath sucking in through his teeth and for an instant he's unbearably frozen before it all bursts forward at once.

Cater moans hard, head pushing against the tile behind him and feet scrabbling at the floor, kicking at nothing. He ruts helplessly into Idia's hand, wave after hot wave escaping his body through that one concentrated pinpoint. And through it all it's those eyes, boring down on him like melted riches.

"Idia...I-Idia...!"

The force of Cater's climax startles Idia, his smoldering gaze turning adorably surprised as he grips the ginger boy through every pulse of release. He hardly did anything and Cater just... that reaction! Only when he feels Cater's body settling down from the high does he wrap both arms around his friend, holding him tight until the other boy gets his feet securely under him again.

"A-- are you okay? That looked like a critical hit...." Idia bites his lip, unsure if he took it too far for his first attempt.

There's a long moment where Cater can still only hear the thrumming of his heartbeat. As it begins to subside, he rests his head against Idia's collar, breathing hard. "K.O.'ed," he confirms with a breathless chuckle. "Sorry, it's just because I want you so badly."

He's pretty sure that's it. Would such a simple handjob really have been so impactful, otherwise? Maybe it's too soon to say something so brazen, but Cater's feeling far too dazed to think too hard.

"I'm better than okay. I have you."

“You… really want me that much?”

The way Cater described FWB it’s something they do when they want to have fun or they’re sexually frustrated. But this is different, isn’t it? Cater could have sex with almost anyone he wanted, he’s attractive and popular, but he wants Idia. It’s mind-boggling, even after all these weeks.

“Cater, even if we didn’t make that co-op contract… you still don’t want to join anybody else’s FWB party?”

Cater shakes his head slowly against Idia, quiet except for his still-hard breathing as he thinks over his words carefully. This is a moment, a big moment, one that's been on the tip of his tongue for awhile now but that he hasn't felt sure enough saying. Would Idia reciprocate if this was something bigger? And what about the future? Senior year? Graduation?

Still, somehow he finds he isn't scared. Part of that could be the orgasm but the rest of it, it's just Idia, isn't it? When did he stop feeling scared when he's with Idia? When did he really really realize that it had never been just about gratification? He can think of so many things to say in response to Idia's question, but ultimately it all boils down to one very simple concept:

"I want to be more than friends."

That's not what Idia was expecting to hear, not at all.

More than friends...? What does that mean? Roommates? But that would mean one of them has to transfer houses and Idia's never heard of it happening. Best friends? They're already that, as far as Idia's concerned. The only person he's closer to is Ortho but they're siblings. Wait, if they're not friends then is the FWB contract nullified? Does that mean they can't kiss and touch and move on to other things anymore?

Did Idia mess everything up by jerking Cater off?? Oh, if only they could load an earlier save file!

His heart beats faster and his breathing grows quietly ragged, his eyes wide. If Cater looks into them he'll see Idia is quietly spiraling into panic.

When Idia doesn't say anything, Cater starts to feel his good feelings drain out of him, replaced with the quick onset of cold dread. He really is going to reject me, he thinks. It seems both impossible and yet exactly what he expected, somehow. Really, the whole situation is inconceivable, isn't it?

He's afraid to, but he pulls away enough to look up at Idia's face, seeing that petrified expression. Naturally, he misinterprets it in his own, much more muted panic.

"Sorry, sorry, lets pretend I was JK, okay? It's really NBD if you aren't interested in being my boyfriend--SRSLY, totes get it, DW!" He feels like he's going to fall over, and he never made good on his promise to wash Idia in return, but now all he can think about is escaping. Cater gives a strangled laugh, too high-pitched and anxious to sound convincing.

The only thing that slaps Idia out of his panic and then growing despair over the broken look in Cater's eyes is a single word that echoes over and over again in his brain: boyfriend. If Cater is squirming to get away, Idia doesn't realize it, panic melting away into shocked wonder.

A boyfriend is more than a friend who's a boy. A boyfriend is someone you l--

Someone you...

Idia's eyes well up with tears, his lips trembling.

Shit! Fuck! This is the worst! How does he keep landing into these traps where when everything is going perfectly he throws it all into a furnace? Can he possibly get his foot any farther into his mouth?

"Idia, I'm so sorry, really, I wasn't trying to..."

To what? To make him uncomfortable by confessing his feelings? He clearly meant to confess his feelings! He should have just listening to that voice in his head that tells him all the worst case scenarios. He should have known that he'd still end up alone at the end of the day.

"I, I should leave, right? Please, don't cry. You can forget about the whole thing."

Instead of letting Cater go, Idia crushes the other boy to his chest as best he can with those noodly arms, body shaking with quiet sobs. No, he doesn't want Cater to leave, he wants him to stay! Stay as long as the ginger boy wants, stay forever, they've been so happy together and Idia selfishly doesn't want it to end. No, he wants to be happy, but he wants Cater to be happy even more. Ignoring the incredible swell of warmth in his heart is impossible, though.

"Y-- you... you really w-- want me to...." He trembles harder, fighting the surreality of the whole moment, when he wants to believe it's true. "C-- Cater, you... you l-- love me...?

Backpedaling upon backpedaling. Idia holds him close and he stops again, confused. Wait, what's happening? Wasn't he just rejected? Or, ah...oh.

He gulps. Love, Idia asks. Does he love him? It's a word that Cater had never actually let himself consider. He knows what he wants, knows that he wants it for the unquantifiable future. But is that love? The anxious slamming of his heart against his ribcage is close to painful. What is this? His brain can't find the answer, so his heart speaks for him, voicing a truth that he had blocked off from even himself.

"I think I've been in love with you for a long time," he says.

The enthusiastic chasing outside classes, the exuberant invitations to social gatherings, the more recent hangouts in Idia's room... the cuddling, the kisses, the FWB contract....

Cater never wanted to be only friends. The agreement came because it was the best they both thought they'd ever get. The other boy's been carrying this feeling for so long, hiding it because of his secret pain, but now he trusts Idia enough to be fully honest. The enormity of it crashes down on the tall Housewarden, who crumples under the relief of knowing his bad luck hasn't cost him the gift of being loved. Louder sobs echo in the shower as he cries into Cater's wet hair, clutching the other boy as if he's afraid Cater will vanish if he lets go.

Even now, no answer comes...but Cater feels himself relaxing. It is an answer, isn't it? Even if Idia doesn't love him back, if he isn't sure or he needs more time, he isn't pulling away. They're here, they're together, and Idia's tears aren't tears of misery. His feelings are being accepted, and no matter what, maybe that's enough.

Cater reciprocates the embrace, pulling Idia close, wanting to hold him warmly and with reassurance. "Come on," he teases in a wavering voice, "if you keep crying like that, you'll get me crying, too."

Idia can't calm down right away, these feelings too raw and too new and so very strong. Eventually he does quiet, the edge of the rainfall running down his back and Cater's arms, the last of his tears soaking into his friend's-- hopefully his boyfriend's-- hair.

"... want to be with you, Cater." He's stuffy and mumbling but the words still carry, borne on his heart. "W-- will you be my Player 2?"

It's irrational, he knows, feeling like he'd never experience this. He knew he had the capability of love, knew that there was no reason someone could love him back...but he had always held himself away from it, too afraid of losing something before it ever happened. With Idia, it doesn't matter. All that anxiety, he'd rather just try and not risk losing his chance.

"Of course," he replies, really choking up now as he listens to the sound of Idia's heartbeat. "Of course I will. Let's face the main plotline together."

This goes far beyond co-op play, persisting past controllers being set aside and a console powered off. It's life experience, something Idia never imagined he'd have. With distant parents and his own grief, he knows his emotional growth is stunted, yet with Cater he feels like he's suddenly gone from a single chip to a full setup... no, from a sprout to a blooming plant, because he feels alive in a way he hasn't for so long.

"We need to finish cleaning up," he says softly, smiling through his tears and not making a move to do anything but continue holding Cater.

His boyfriend, his Player 2.

"We keep saying that, don't we?" When Cater laughs this time, it's a much more real sound, soft and a little giddy. He can't believe that this is actually happening--he can't believe, after three years, he and Idia...!

"Here, pass me the washcloth. I promised to get you." Until it's shoved in his hand, though, he doesn't plan on moving, either. The whole thing feels so surreal, dreamlike. He needs to be sure that the whole thing doesn't come apart the second their bodies aren't coiled around one another.

After one last gentle squeeze, Idia releases him and passes the washcloth over with a gentle, only slightly teary smile. They've gone all pruny in the fingers and the water is starting to cool a bit but it's fine. Idia will never forget this moment. This is a side of Cater only he gets to see, though he does hope it will help his boyfriend(!) feel better and more honest in his daily life, just as Cater has helped him begin to step out of the gloom.

"This questline definitely took an unexpected turn, huh?" Boy, that's an understatement. "Could've been a bad end but we chose exactly the right dialogue options."

Before he starts washing Idia, he can't help reaching up and brushing at his cheeks. The tears and the shower water are so intermingled they're hard to discern, but the gesture is soft and sweet just the same. Cater wants to kiss him, but he knows if he does he might not stop. Later, later.

"Thank the seven, too. I feel like I was going to mess that one up, for sure." Adding more soap to the washcloth that's becoming thoroughly waterlogged, he starts to scrub Idia down--he's soft and careful, but not quite as sensual as he would be, just by virtue of how long they've spent in the shower by this point. "But I feel so relieved. The Great Idia Shroud noticed me!"

The last statement is given much more playfully, laughing as he makes soapy circles on Idia's abdomen, barely stopping from glomming back onto him for the umpteenth time.

"It was hard not to notice you with that super-cheerful disposition and S-tier extroversion, mask or not." Idia chuckles, letting himself enjoy the pampering. "You wouldn't be denied, but it paid off in the end. For both of us."

He's still reeling over the fact that they're officially together. Looking at today on their private schedule earlier, he'd never thought this turn could ever happen, ending the day with a boyfriend wasn't anywhere close to his wheelhouse. Are they supposed to announce it to others, so no one else hits on Cater? (Idia doubts he has to worry about people hitting on him, Cater is the only one with the prerequisites to see Idia Shroud as lover material.) "What do we do about our classmates? Should they know, or do you think they'd... freak out?"

"You're right, I definitely wasn't going to let you ignore me." If nothing else, he would've continued being a thorn in Idia's side all the way up until graduation, at least to the best of his ability. The real surprise is that Idia had finally opened the door for him. Once that had happened, it's like everything had just fallen into place.

Cater hums as he thinks on the next question, shifting to get Idia's back. For a second, he can't help lingering on that scar again--but it still feels like a bad time. Maybe later, when they're in each others arms. "It's up to you, really. I didn't want to let anyone get too close but ultimately, I don't care what people think of me."

The friendly, flirt clout-chaser. He needs to work on opening up and being honest with the people around them, and part of that could definitely be having a candid relationship with Idia. But Idia's the one who actually has social anxiety. "It might get you a lot of attention, even if it isn't exactly negative attention. Would you feel more comfortable if we kept it on a need-to-know basis?"

Oof, what a tough question. The news of such apparent opposites hooking up would be the buzz of the NRC social scene for a long time. Even if everyone is supportive of their relationship, so many of their classmates are incredibly extroverted. Likely they'd have people constantly hounding them with congratulations and comments and all kinds of nonsense. Idia's starting to sweat just thinking about it.

But at the same time, would hiding it come across as an act of shame? Not that Idia cares what others think, but would Cater grow tired of hiding and start to wonder how much Idia cherishes him? Gods, thinking about the options threatens to push him into another doomspiral. Only remembering Cater's stricken look at his panicked hesitation stops that before it becomes obvious.

Finally, logical reasoning wins out over all the rest of the issues. "If people know and word gets out, Riddle suddenly gets a lot more strict with curfew checks. We could end up softlocked out of meeting up at night."

"Ah, you're right...he'll totally cockblock us!" Cater sighs. He'd hope that a profession of love would make his Housewarden look around, but he's such a stickler for rules he'd say something about how he's going to get distracted from his studies and blah blah blah...!

It's fine, then. A secret it is.

"I might take Trey aside and let him in on it. He'd keep it to himself and probably help cover me--not as much as split card can, but his Riddle whispering is sooo beyond anyone else's." By which he mostly means his own, because basically nobody else knows how to talk to Riddle without gaining his ire.

"What about Ortho? You're going to tell him, right?"

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