caycay | I've Been Lonely

Idia chokes out a laugh as he realizes why Crewel's usual praise would evoke such a reaction. Gods, did he really say that to Cater in the middle of sex? Note to self: never use that expression again, let Crewel keep it!

"Proud of you, Cay," he rasps. "Looks like we found a good study technique for you, gotta remember that." It's good for both of them, really.

"As if I'd let you forget." Still grinning from ear-to-ear, he steals a kiss and then presses his forehead against the other boy's. "We're practically home free now. Have you heard back from your parents, yet?"

The question does inspire a flutter of anxiety, but he's still riding too much of a high to let it sour the mood. They've gotta say yes soon, right?

"Not yet. They'll have to look at your scores to make a final decision."

One way or another, Idia has plans in place. Either Cater joins him at STYX, or... well, he doesn't want to think about that option, but that doesn't mean he won't go through with it if that's how things go. His arms tighten around Cater again.

"It could be later today, it could take a week. I never know with them. They do things at their own pace."

With the answer combined with Idia's arms around him, Cater lets out an overdramatic whine before flopping down (gently) on top of him again. "Guess we'll just have to distract ourselves in the meantime! Oh ho-hum, I wonder what could possibly keep our minds off of our uncertain future..."

He's so obvious. In fact, Cater's already winding his fingers through Idia's hair.

Idia's far from a fool. His flames flicker and twine around Cater's fingers, welcoming. He chuckles, touching Cater's cheek and stroking his thumb over the diamond mark. "Perpetually horny," he murmurs.

Well, he's not much better nowadays.

"We still have to figure out what to do over summer break, you know."

"Only cause you make me," Cater teases back, but despite that sultry tone his eyes are full of light. "Ohhh, yeah! What should we do? All I know is I want you all to myself. No parents, no siblings, no classmates or coworkers."

Assuming everything works out with STYX, they'll at least be able to be open about being together, have a bit more privacy, but it's still going to be an environment that hardly encourages fun-loving romantic misadventures. This might be the only chance they get for awhile to worry about nothing but one another.

"Any ideas? I can think of plenty of standard summer hotspots but, well, they'll be bursting with tourists." Even without considering Idia's anxiety, it hardly sounds like a good time.

"Um... I'm not sure? It's not like I've ever gone on vacation before. I mean, school field trips don't count." The thought of leaving his room used to scare the daylights out of Idia. Now it just makes him anxious. "Even if we go somewhere we can be alone, it's still mostly your realm of expertise."

Idia knows nothing about sightseeing or other "experiences." People talk about the beach, but he's pretty sure he'll burst into flames in the sun. Well, more than just his hair. And touring tech firms wouldn't be fun for Cater. He really is stumped.

"You're telling me you don't have any kind of fantasies relating to some kind of tropey anime filler episode, complete with fanservice material provided by yours truly?" Huffing lightly, Cater shifts so he can pull his phone from his pocket and pull up a web browser. His fingers fly across the screen as he checks out different destinations.

There's a bit of humming and hawing, but it isn't very long at all before Cater stops on something. "Okay, how does this sound: cozy mountain cabin, lakefront, woodsy and just outside of a small town. Super rustic but there's wifi, walking trails, a stargazing site...aaaand best of all: this is, like, typical winter holiday vibes so other cabins in the area are going to be mostly empty."

Idia chews on his lip, mentally weighing the pros and cons. Rustic is weird, Idia's never been one for nature and walking trails sounds exhausting. But he also kinda wants to build up his stamina. Stargazing sounds nice (even if it reminds him of the whole Starsending fiasco), but it's the idea of being effectively alone that helps the most. Wifi access is a good bonus, just in case.

"It doesn't sound bad. I mean, I'm happy as long as we have uninterrupted time together. You won't be bored if it's too quiet, right?"

Cater shakes his head. "I like quiet. I get so tired of all the hustle and bustle. I think it sounds peaceful."

And so, so much better than the usual sounds of family drama. Another couple of taps and he's forwarded the venue to Idia. Despite it's "rustic" appeal, the home itself seems comfortably updated.

"We'll have our own music to fill the silence when we want to. I'll bring my guitar, too, of course."

The more Idia looks at the listing, the less apprehension he feels. This wouldn't be "roughing it," he can still be comfortable if he has a bad mental health day or two, and best of all there won't be anyone to hear them if they get a little... enthusiastic. He nods once, then looks up at Cater and nods again, a warm smile growing quickly.

"Yeah... yeah, I think this is doable. It's not totally cut off and we'll have each other. How long do you want to stay there?"

Seeing Idia's face grow softer adds fuel to Cater's excited flame. "I guess forever is unreasonable, since we have things to do," he jokes, coming in for another kiss. "But as long as we can afford to? Just because I want you all to myself as long as I can. I guess I do have to at least spend a little time with my family, but..."

All he can think about is all the things they can do together. How they can really have the time to make up for all the dates they couldn't have. "Even though it's the summer, we can pretend that we're snowed in and get all cozy, watch some of your favorite movies...I'll make you all the indulgent breakfasts I can think of...I bet we'll see some cute animals, too."

It's going to be so romantic.

As long as they can afford to? Cater must've forgotten about the Shroud family's wealth. Idia's parents don't really give him much grief about what he spends, considering he could easily live a far more lavish lifestyle. As he checks availability dates, he idly asks Cater a question: "How long do you want to visit your family and when? Beginning of break or the end?"

Because Idia's going to have Cater all to himself the rest of the time. Hopefully the Diamonds won't want their son home during the middle of the break, Idia will sulk the entire summer then.

It's a hard choice, because either one feels like compromising. "I wanna say...end of the break. Partially because I don't want to have to wait, and partially because knowing that I'll be right with you again will keep me sane. I should probably give them at least a week..."

Unable to help himself, Cater pouts. "But I guess I should, you know, actually tell them about everything before I make a specific plan on the timeline. You know, since they haven't seen me since winter break and all, and I feel like I won't hear the end of it if I surprise them with a 'guess what I'm not coming home seeya!'"

Why can't he just be irresponsible and avoidant without feeling guilty about it? Damn moral compass!

Idia makes a disgruntled noise and mentally figures "screw it." He books the entire summer except for three weeks at the end. They'll probably be going to STYX early because of travel time and the need to settle in, so that plus Cater possibly visiting his family around that time should make it work. He can always modify the booking later, it's not like any fees the rental place charges would hurt that much. He won't tell Cater yet, just to avoid any pressure.

"You'll let me know as soon as possible, right?" He sighs. "I wish I could go with you, but somehow I don't think I could handle your family. Plus I know word would get back to everyone at NRC somehow if I showed up there."

"Nah, I think I'll keep you wondering." As he says it, he squishes both of Idia's cheeks, forcing his lips to purse goofily. "Duh, I'll tell you the second I know!"

In regards to the thought of Idia and his family, he thinks about it a bit more carefully. "They're a lot for me, so they'll definitely be a lot for you." Actually looking a bit more bashful now, he admits, "that said, though...I'd like you to meet them sometime."

Idia huffs in mock offense when Cater squishes his cheeks, but his eyes remain softly affectionate as they always are around his boyfriend. The admission about wanting him to meet the Diamond family comes as a bit of a surprise, though. If they're anything like Cater-- or at least the cheerful mask Cater shows to the world-- what will they think of someone like Idia?

"I don't know if they'd approve of me...." Idia bites his lip. "I mean, I know that wouldn't make you change your mind about us, but the thought of them giving you a hard time about your choice worries me." Of course, how much weight does that concern really hold when everything worries Idia?

The hands that had been squishing his cheeks now cup Idia's face gently, thumbs caressing the sharp diagonal of his cheekbones. "I wouldn't let them disapprove of you," he says...and there's a certain intensity to those words, like he'd more quickly throw them away than him.

He does love his family, but there's only one person in the world who he's ever felt happy around, and that person is right here in his arms.

"Besides, you're so cute there's no way they wouldn't like you." Cater smiles again, but there's a slight wince to it as he's reminded of his own experiences over the years. "You'd get stuffed full of all the sugar you can stomach."

"... no wonder you don't like sweets, if that's how they are." More than ever, Idia's determined to keep as much spicy, savory food around as possible. On another note, he wants to argue that he's far from cute, but he doesn't want Cater to get upset. Strange as it is, Cater actually hates when Idia puts himself down. He'll need more time to get used to that. "I'll take one for the team and consume all the sugar they throw at me, for your sake."

If he can handle an entire family of extroverts hovering around him, analyzing him, asking him personal questions... ugh, he can feel himself getting anxious just thinking about it. "And I won't let my parents or anyone at STYX disapprove of you, either. I'll make them understand what an asset you can be."

"Still get sick when I taste anything too sweet," he admits with a halfhearted chuckle. "Kind of sucks I got stuck in the tea party dorm...but it's whatever."

Sighing, Cater leans in and presses their foreheads together again, eyes closing. "You got me and I got you. I know I'm probably nothing like the kind of person they'd hope you'd be with, but I'll do everything I can to meet their expectations."

Idia mutters something about sticking to finger sandwiches and quiche at tea parties, but his flicker of annoyance at Heartslabyul's rules fades when Cater's forehead rests against his. That simple gesture always grounds him now, and he hopes it does the same for his boyfriend.

"My parents probably think they'd have to force me to connect with someone eventually, just to produce the next generation of cursed Shrouds. Arrange a marriage with some woman, beg me to consummate it, and figure out who would raise the offspring because I'd be a lousy parent." Idia sighs. "Guess they might still freak out over the lack of kids, because it's not like Ortho can have any. It's all on me, when really this whole stupid bloodline should just...." He trails off, shaking his head. "Sorry."

"Hey, hey! None of that matters now." Because he did connect to someone, and was only slightly forced into getting to that point. Even saying that, though, Cater can't help but feel a pang in his gut. It's way, way too early to think about kids, but now that he's brought it up...that really is a problem, isn't it?

Idia's basically risking the entire bloodline to be with him, isn't he?

Cater takes a steadying breath. "You'd be a great parent."

Idia snorts and shakes his head. “No way. I’m a mess, the only thing a kid would inherit from me is the anxiety. Besides, it’s a moot point. I’m not accepting anybody but you as my player two, and we can’t spawn adds.”

So yeah, he’s choosing to end the Shroud bloodline. He’s pretty sure the Jupiter family will come down on him like a storm but he doesn’t care. Without Cater, what would be the point in anything?

There's so much that Cater wants to say...or, at least, he feels like he wants to say. Because his own thoughts feel scattered and confused. Words aren't coming to him at all. You're so much more than your malware, he wants to assure, but he knows that arguing about Idia's self worth right now would likely just bring the mood down even further. It's a battle he's not confident he can win right now.

"Well," he finally says, sinking down the rest of the way around Idia and moving his hands to coil down underneath him, hugging him tight. "No matter what happens or what anyone thinks...I'm not changing routes."

Hugs are exactly what Idia needs right now, because the moment Cater's arms go around him he relaxes and cuddles back. "I know you won't. It's the one thing I'm sure of now. Even if there's a cascade failure and the whole system crashes, you're not a changing variable."

He hates that he has the weight of his family and their duty on his shoulders, that he even has to think about it in the sense of possibly defying it all. Cater is the center of the web: the reason for his defiance, the reason for his change of heart, the reason for his fight to transform STYX, all of it. Without that core, everything Idia has become falls apart.

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