It's actually a more revealing answer than he was expecting, a testament, he supposes, to the level of trust they've put in one another. Cater nods as he listens, hoping to keep things reassuring, so Idia won't have to feel like he's being pressured or judged. "Yeah, I get that."
Oh, boy, does he get that.
"That's totally normal for everyone. Sometimes your body goes rogue like that." But how, how to keep this ball rolling in the right direction? He's afraid if he doesn't, Idia will just let the subject drop at "don't know, don't care" and he'll never have another chance to bring this up.
Resting his chin on his hands, Cater watches him carefully, assessing his body language and comfort levels. "It's a process that's different for everyone. Some people know right away what they like, others discover it over time. I've heard of people who've gone half their lifetime sure that they were only interested in one thing, but just meeting the right person changed that for them. Me, I figured things out for myself pretty fast."
Even when he'd been alone, he knew what turned him on and what didn't. Being able to act on it once he got to NRC and started fooling around only reaffirmed what he already knew about himself.
Squirming in his seat, Idia picks at his fingernails so he doesn't have to look Cater in the eye. He seems uncomfortable but not outright disgusted, which is a step in the right direction. "Mmm... not like it matters. Nobody's choosing me from the character select screen, y'know? On a campus with so many SR and SSR levels with looks like princes and models, why would anybody want reroll-bait like me?"
What would he have looked like without the Shroud curse? Even if he had 5-star levels of CHA, he'd still be a nerd. Not like his class would change from a stat boost like that. Though he is curious about one thing....
"You filled out your skill tree already? I mean, I know you unlocked Flirt, but that's like a base skill for your class."
If only Idia knew how Cater looked at him. He wishes he could make him see just how gorgeous he is--yeah, he could use some exercise, he should eat better, get some sunlight, but even all of that still comes together as this beautiful picture that Cater can't find himself turning away from. "There's someone out there for everyone," he says in a gentle tone, letting that sentiment sit as Idia asks his own question.
Cater can't help being surprised that he wants to know at all, but he isn't shy to talk about his own experience. "Yeah," he confirms, "I pretty much hit the ground running at puberty as far as thinking about all of this goes, but since I didn't want to get too close to anyone I only really started acting on it once I got to NRC. That was when I'd really started mega socializing. I've made out with a few girls off campus, but most of my experience is with the other students here."
The implications of that are obvious: Cater just admitted he likes both girls and guys. So the careless flirting toward other students are NRC isn't something he does against his nature for fun? For a second, Idia wants to ask who Cater has been with here and how, but that's gotta be personal. He's trying to have better manners, if only toward his closest friend. The last thing he wants is to ruin the peace they've found.
"I... I've never even... y'know?" He gestures vaguely toward those sapphire lips of his. "NPCs either think I'm weird or scary. If this is an otome game, I'm the non-romanceable side character, maybe the comic relief because of my lousy LCK stat. But I wasn't programmed to be a romantic option."
It's so strange, hearing Idia be so confident about a truth that doesn't even exist. Cater understands that it's how Idia sees himself--sometimes, more often than he likes to think about, he hates what he sees in the mirror, too. And speaking of mirrors, the lack of one in Idia's bathroom speaks volumes for that self-perception.
"Let's take everyone else off the table. Regardless of how other people look at you, regardless of your stats or your programming, what is it that you'd want for yourself? Pretend we're talking about...an AU you're writing, if that helps. Would you kiss someone even if it were just to try it and know what it felt like?"
An AU? Like an alternate, non-canon route in an RPG that's just a "what-if?" for fun? Letting go of his self-loathing enough to even imagine it feels challenging at best and impossible at worst. For anyone else, he could write such a scenario, but for himself....
"I... IDK... feels like it couldn't work, no matter how much I try to fix the code. Like I said when that crazy ghost bride tried to marry me, there's a chasm between me and other people. You can't take them off the table, it's not like I could k-- kiss myself."
He's mumbling quickly, fiddling with his cuticles almost to the point of bleeding, and his face feels so hot. Why does Cater always do this to him, ask him questions that make him feel this way?
"... m-- maybe I'd try, if some rando came along who's crazy enough to want that side quest."
This is it. This is his chance. Cater's never really felt anxious about something like this because these openings are usually so easy to act on, but with Idia there's such a small hitbox. It's got to be like threading the needle. He can't sound overeager or it might come off as him making fun, and it can't sound like he's only offering out of pity, either. He could be honest, just say that he wants to, but if he's too intense, that'll spook him, right? It's certain this is the only time he'll ever be able to make this happen, so it's got to be perfect.
"You know," he says slowly, "you could kiss me."
Was it too much, still? Cater tried to make it sound like it was an idea that just occurred to him, like a possibility that neither may have considered before. Before Idia can have a chance to be too embarrassed, he offers further explanation. The other teen acts in logistics, so maybe if he makes an argument...
"I have enough EXP that it won't be too messy and give you a bad idea of what it feels like, and I'm not going to read into it in a way that'll change how I feel about you." He knows he won't feel any differently, which is part of the problem. If Idia doesn't like it, he'll deal and move on, but it'll make his own pining so much worse. "And once you know for sure if it's something you aren't curious about, I'll never ask about it again."
All Idia can do is stare at Cater in shock, because what? He'd actually do that, when he's popular enough to kiss almost anyone he wants? Cater did say he had most of his experience at NRC, but Idia of all people? Thankfully, for Cater's sake, it never occurs to Idia that this could be some self-satisfying gesture for the other boy. It's an offer from a friend-- the closest one he has-- to learn something he won't otherwise experience, no strings attached.
"I... um... I don't know how, i-- it's totally out of my skill set. I'll crash the whole system if I try...."
Cater gives Idia an encouraging smile as he wills himself not to be too overeager. "You won't really know that for sure unless you do try though, right? And hey, everybody starts at level 1--I did, too. You're not different from anybody else in that regard and there's no way I'm going to hold it against you for not knowing what to do."
His fingers are itching, wanting to just reach over and take Idia by the face, but he can't. No matter how bad Carter wants to climb up onto his lap in that gaming chair, he has to control himself.
After several moments of chewing on his lip, debating internally with himself, Idia finally nods once. His heart's racing and his hands are shaking, but... he trusts Cater. After that huge emotional infodump, how could he not? They understand each other, so there's a bond between them that Idia believes in. He doesn't believe in many things, but this? Yeah, Cater is his friend.
"G-- go slow, 'kay? Feel like I'm about to glitch through a wall."
It's all he can do to stay calm. His own heart is racing, now, beyond elated that Idia agreed, terrified to mess things up. What if this does ruin what they've established, no matter what Cater promised? What if Idia rejects him? It's an insane thought. He's been rejected plenty, every time he flirts with people like Vil, but this is...this is so the opposite!
In the end, it's just like he told Idia: no way to know unless he tries.
"And if you need me to stop, I will, okay? So tell me."
Shifting slightly in his seat to face Idia more fully, he reaches up slowly, his moves deliberate and careful. Idia's so strong in so many ways but he's so terribly fragile, too. Knowing this makes Cater all the more determined to give Idia something that he never thought he could experience. He doesn't intend to just be gentle--he intends to be good. At first, he doesn't even move to bring their faces closer.
He holds Idia's gaze, an intensity in his own eyes that is normally lacking, as his thumb brushes against his chin. He slides his fingers up Idia's jawline, cupping his face, tangling lightly in his hair and caressing his cheek as his other hand finds Idia's neck and starts to pull the other boy closer. As promised, he keeps everything slow, halfway expecting Idia to pull away at every slight movement. The whole time, Cater doesn't so much as blink, searching those soulful, sad eyes for any hint of reluctance.
A kiss is a press of lips, so why the gentle touching and the intense look? Idia gulps, not reluctant but uncertain and a little intimidated. The caress of fingertips along his jaw and cheek, the soft tug on his hair and the way Cater guides him closer... Idia's breath quickens, stuttering in his chest along with his poor heart. Those green eyes bore into his, sending tremors down his spine. He feels as if he's been stripped naked, and even as the thought terrifies him he doesn't look away.
Trust. He trusts Cater, so he doesn't fight the gentle pull. It's a bit too much for him to watch anymore once he can feel the other boy's breath ghosting over his face, so he closes his eyes and tries not to dig his nails into his thighs in anticipation.
There are far better kissers out there--even with the experience he does have, Cater knows he's no master seducer. His partners have generally been on roughly the same level as his own. But where he had the experience of sloppy, face-mashed kisses where teeth clanged together, he doesn't want that for Idia. He wants something sweet and comforting, something warm the way that he felt when Idia embraced him while he cried.
Their cheeks brush, Cater's nose nuzzling into place beside Idia's as he brings their lips together. Eyes closing as well, he uses his hands as an anchor as he applies gentle pressure between them. It's difficult to wait for a reaction, to make no additional sudden movement as Idia processes. His own brain is already bursting with endorphins--the Shroud's lips are raw and thin and he hasn't yet reciprocated, may not ever reciprocate--but just the same his stomach flips, his skin blooming with newfound warmth.
At the first slight contact of lips, Idia's breath catches.
Oh. Oh.
It's not at all what he expected. The kiss is so gentle, warm and soft, touched with the slightest hint of spice from Cater's most recent meal. He's forgotten how to breathe, his head buzzing quietly as it tries to analyze what's happening to the rest of him. Without realizing that he's leaning in just a little, one of his hands shifts from his thigh to Cater's, holding on for some semblance of balance. Flutters of warmth fill his stomach, rising to his chest.
In an instant, everything was different. Idia shifting forward into him, the feeling of his hands on his legs. His heart is beating faster but all the stress he'd been feeling up until that moment, the anxiety of rejection, fear of keeping a secret forever, begins to fall away. Cater's instincts tell him to press in and press hard, begging him for more, more, please, but he can't, he knows he can't.
There's a pleasured sigh that escapes him as his lips part just slightly, guiding at Idia's to do the same. One of his feet slides forward and finds one of the rollers of Idia's chair and hooks behind it, pulling it that much closer. He can taste sugar on Idia's mouth and for once he savors it.
Another soft sound feeds into Cater's mouth, Idia reacting on pure instinct as he follows the other boy's lead. His lips barely part and he sucks in a sharp breath through his nose when he rolls closer to Cater. His fingertips sink into Cater's pant legs, not quite painful but still firmly.
He... he likes this. His head is swimming and he feels like he's about to float away, and he likes it. Why? How? He'd never thought... oh, what if Cater is just offering this one time?
Deeper, he wants to push deeper, to feel Idia's tongue and take in his breath until it feels like they're sharing the same set of lungs. His fingertips twitch, hold onto Idia more needy, cupping his face fully as their lips slide against one another. When Idia's grasp tightens, his groin stirs and Cater needs to take a breath, panting.
It's just that he can't bear to go any farther away than necessary, so their lips still brush as he murmurs a heady, "Good?"
There's a lot behind the word, more than just a question of preference. It almost sounds as if he's asking for permission.
When Cater pulls back that tiny fraction, Idia chases him, trying to lean in to recapture that soft but world-shaking contact. It's the ding of an achievement, silver if not outright gold, an S-tier experience. The sound of Cater's voice, strangely husky and low, brings him back to something resembling awareness even as heat slinks through his belly.
"A-- aah...." It's all he can articulate, his eyes still closed and his heart quaking from the teasing brush of those lips. He's panting, his tongue peeking out to wet his own lips in anticipation of more. How could this get any better?
It's not a real answer, exactly, at least not a coherent one, and there's a rational part of Cater's brain that tells him get a real answer, but it's too much, he can't stop himself. His eyes, half lidded, catch that look on Idia's face, the sight of his tongue, and it's too much to resist when he's far from some kind of saint.
So he kisses Idia again, his own tongue pressing into Idia's before it can escape, desperate for the feel and the taste of it. He lifts his body slightly so he can adjust their position, lock their knees between each other's thighs and press in. Subconsciously remembering how Idia liked the feeling of his hands against his scalp, he drags his fingers back, sliding them through that flaming hair and against the skin hidden beneath it.
Cater's efforts are rewarded with a low groan in the back of Idia's throat. The foreign contact of a tongue against his, the warm proximity of a willing body, the hands on his scalp... oh, it's so much! Idia's left reeling, trying to follow with shy touches of his tongue when he barely understands but he craves. His mouth tastes like too-sweet coffee and the quiet but thrilling threat of sharp teeth might slow Cater down a bit, but Idia shows absolutely no signs of anything but wanting more.
He could've gone his entire lonely life without ever having known this. The thought might horrify him later, right before the equally terrifying thought that he might never have it again. Cater offered to teach him something, nothing more. For once in his life, Idia wants to be greedy.
Idia's enthusiasm is so far beyond his expectations. Really, he'd been expecting Idia to outright reject the offer, but this...it feels like a dream. Is he going to wake up from what turned out to be just another fantasy that only felt real?
Swept up in his own desire, he delicately tilts Idia's head back so he can kiss him deeper. The only thing that keeps him from getting too far ahead of himself is the contrast of his needs against Idia's. Even those questioning licks and those dangerous points only makes Cater hotter and harder, though. One of his hands trails away from Idia's hair and trails down the curve of his classmate's neck and all of a sudden he has to kiss him there, too.
His breath is hot as he pulls inexplicably away from their kiss and bends forward to plant his lips against Idia's Adam's apple instead, tongue and teeth grazing against the skin.
Idia shudders, biting back what surely would've been a loud moan if not for him sinking his teeth into his lip. Wh-- what is Cater doing now?! Aren't kisses supposed to be on the mouth or cheek or forehead? But it feels awesome, sending hot, shivery feelings down his neck and into his chest. He's suddenly aware that his pants are tight at the front, a pressure that's both pleasant and uncomfortable, something that's only happened to him when waking up on a rare morning or after reading those doujinshi.
Arousal. He's feeling actual arousal from someone kissing him. What bizarre secret route did he stumble into??
So good, Idia's voice sounds so good, even muffled. Cater can feel the vibrations through his throat and it makes him dizzy. He feels like he's losing all rationality--and it's when he realizes he's reaching for his waistband that he snaps back to reality. Stop it, stop!
Any farther and he's taking advantage. He's already pushing it, isn't he? Even though Idia hasn't protested, hasn't told him to stop, clearly seems like he wants it just as badly...
Cater swallows, breathing hard as he presses his forehead into Idia's shoulder. He lets his grip loosen in Idia's hair and finds his hands instead, grabbing onto both of them and squeezing. "It's time to cool off," he finally forces out between heavy breaths. "We...we're getting ahead of ourselves."
It takes enormous effort for Idia to pry his eyes open. Every inch of his body feels hot and tingly, his head ready to float off his neck. Cater's hands squeezing his help to ground him, almost like bringing him down from a panic attack. But that wasn't panic, that was... that was....
"C-- Cater, I...." Trailing off, not even sure what he wants to say, Idia simply squeezes back and tries to calm his breathing. There's a strange sort of disconnect in his brain, as if he's suddenly found himself playing someone else's save file in an unfamiliar game.
Cater doesn't know what to say either, a theme he finds is common around Idia. He knows all the things he wants to say, but has to slow his roll. Just because Idia liked being kissed, even being kissed by another guy, that doesn't suddenly mean that Idia wants him. As much as Cater is willing to offer to sleep with him as an experiment, he's not going to offer that so suddenly.
Once he's caught his breath a bit more, he raises his head to look up at Idia, for once the one with a sheepish expression. "So...how do you feel?"
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Oh, boy, does he get that.
"That's totally normal for everyone. Sometimes your body goes rogue like that." But how, how to keep this ball rolling in the right direction? He's afraid if he doesn't, Idia will just let the subject drop at "don't know, don't care" and he'll never have another chance to bring this up.
Resting his chin on his hands, Cater watches him carefully, assessing his body language and comfort levels. "It's a process that's different for everyone. Some people know right away what they like, others discover it over time. I've heard of people who've gone half their lifetime sure that they were only interested in one thing, but just meeting the right person changed that for them. Me, I figured things out for myself pretty fast."
Even when he'd been alone, he knew what turned him on and what didn't. Being able to act on it once he got to NRC and started fooling around only reaffirmed what he already knew about himself.
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What would he have looked like without the Shroud curse? Even if he had 5-star levels of CHA, he'd still be a nerd. Not like his class would change from a stat boost like that. Though he is curious about one thing....
"You filled out your skill tree already? I mean, I know you unlocked Flirt, but that's like a base skill for your class."
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Cater can't help being surprised that he wants to know at all, but he isn't shy to talk about his own experience. "Yeah," he confirms, "I pretty much hit the ground running at puberty as far as thinking about all of this goes, but since I didn't want to get too close to anyone I only really started acting on it once I got to NRC. That was when I'd really started mega socializing. I've made out with a few girls off campus, but most of my experience is with the other students here."
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"I... I've never even... y'know?" He gestures vaguely toward those sapphire lips of his. "NPCs either think I'm weird or scary. If this is an otome game, I'm the non-romanceable side character, maybe the comic relief because of my lousy LCK stat. But I wasn't programmed to be a romantic option."
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"Let's take everyone else off the table. Regardless of how other people look at you, regardless of your stats or your programming, what is it that you'd want for yourself? Pretend we're talking about...an AU you're writing, if that helps. Would you kiss someone even if it were just to try it and know what it felt like?"
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"I... IDK... feels like it couldn't work, no matter how much I try to fix the code. Like I said when that crazy ghost bride tried to marry me, there's a chasm between me and other people. You can't take them off the table, it's not like I could k-- kiss myself."
He's mumbling quickly, fiddling with his cuticles almost to the point of bleeding, and his face feels so hot. Why does Cater always do this to him, ask him questions that make him feel this way?
"... m-- maybe I'd try, if some rando came along who's crazy enough to want that side quest."
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"You know," he says slowly, "you could kiss me."
Was it too much, still? Cater tried to make it sound like it was an idea that just occurred to him, like a possibility that neither may have considered before. Before Idia can have a chance to be too embarrassed, he offers further explanation. The other teen acts in logistics, so maybe if he makes an argument...
"I have enough EXP that it won't be too messy and give you a bad idea of what it feels like, and I'm not going to read into it in a way that'll change how I feel about you." He knows he won't feel any differently, which is part of the problem. If Idia doesn't like it, he'll deal and move on, but it'll make his own pining so much worse. "And once you know for sure if it's something you aren't curious about, I'll never ask about it again."
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"I... um... I don't know how, i-- it's totally out of my skill set. I'll crash the whole system if I try...."
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His fingers are itching, wanting to just reach over and take Idia by the face, but he can't. No matter how bad Carter wants to climb up onto his lap in that gaming chair, he has to control himself.
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"G-- go slow, 'kay? Feel like I'm about to glitch through a wall."
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It's all he can do to stay calm. His own heart is racing, now, beyond elated that Idia agreed, terrified to mess things up. What if this does ruin what they've established, no matter what Cater promised? What if Idia rejects him? It's an insane thought. He's been rejected plenty, every time he flirts with people like Vil, but this is...this is so the opposite!
In the end, it's just like he told Idia: no way to know unless he tries.
"And if you need me to stop, I will, okay? So tell me."
Shifting slightly in his seat to face Idia more fully, he reaches up slowly, his moves deliberate and careful. Idia's so strong in so many ways but he's so terribly fragile, too. Knowing this makes Cater all the more determined to give Idia something that he never thought he could experience. He doesn't intend to just be gentle--he intends to be good. At first, he doesn't even move to bring their faces closer.
He holds Idia's gaze, an intensity in his own eyes that is normally lacking, as his thumb brushes against his chin. He slides his fingers up Idia's jawline, cupping his face, tangling lightly in his hair and caressing his cheek as his other hand finds Idia's neck and starts to pull the other boy closer. As promised, he keeps everything slow, halfway expecting Idia to pull away at every slight movement. The whole time, Cater doesn't so much as blink, searching those soulful, sad eyes for any hint of reluctance.
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Trust. He trusts Cater, so he doesn't fight the gentle pull. It's a bit too much for him to watch anymore once he can feel the other boy's breath ghosting over his face, so he closes his eyes and tries not to dig his nails into his thighs in anticipation.
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Their cheeks brush, Cater's nose nuzzling into place beside Idia's as he brings their lips together. Eyes closing as well, he uses his hands as an anchor as he applies gentle pressure between them. It's difficult to wait for a reaction, to make no additional sudden movement as Idia processes. His own brain is already bursting with endorphins--the Shroud's lips are raw and thin and he hasn't yet reciprocated, may not ever reciprocate--but just the same his stomach flips, his skin blooming with newfound warmth.
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Oh. Oh.
It's not at all what he expected. The kiss is so gentle, warm and soft, touched with the slightest hint of spice from Cater's most recent meal. He's forgotten how to breathe, his head buzzing quietly as it tries to analyze what's happening to the rest of him. Without realizing that he's leaning in just a little, one of his hands shifts from his thigh to Cater's, holding on for some semblance of balance. Flutters of warmth fill his stomach, rising to his chest.
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There's a pleasured sigh that escapes him as his lips part just slightly, guiding at Idia's to do the same. One of his feet slides forward and finds one of the rollers of Idia's chair and hooks behind it, pulling it that much closer. He can taste sugar on Idia's mouth and for once he savors it.
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He... he likes this. His head is swimming and he feels like he's about to float away, and he likes it. Why? How? He'd never thought... oh, what if Cater is just offering this one time?
That... that would be....
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It's just that he can't bear to go any farther away than necessary, so their lips still brush as he murmurs a heady, "Good?"
There's a lot behind the word, more than just a question of preference. It almost sounds as if he's asking for permission.
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"A-- aah...." It's all he can articulate, his eyes still closed and his heart quaking from the teasing brush of those lips. He's panting, his tongue peeking out to wet his own lips in anticipation of more. How could this get any better?
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So he kisses Idia again, his own tongue pressing into Idia's before it can escape, desperate for the feel and the taste of it. He lifts his body slightly so he can adjust their position, lock their knees between each other's thighs and press in. Subconsciously remembering how Idia liked the feeling of his hands against his scalp, he drags his fingers back, sliding them through that flaming hair and against the skin hidden beneath it.
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He could've gone his entire lonely life without ever having known this. The thought might horrify him later, right before the equally terrifying thought that he might never have it again. Cater offered to teach him something, nothing more. For once in his life, Idia wants to be greedy.
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Swept up in his own desire, he delicately tilts Idia's head back so he can kiss him deeper. The only thing that keeps him from getting too far ahead of himself is the contrast of his needs against Idia's. Even those questioning licks and those dangerous points only makes Cater hotter and harder, though. One of his hands trails away from Idia's hair and trails down the curve of his classmate's neck and all of a sudden he has to kiss him there, too.
His breath is hot as he pulls inexplicably away from their kiss and bends forward to plant his lips against Idia's Adam's apple instead, tongue and teeth grazing against the skin.
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Idia shudders, biting back what surely would've been a loud moan if not for him sinking his teeth into his lip. Wh-- what is Cater doing now?! Aren't kisses supposed to be on the mouth or cheek or forehead? But it feels awesome, sending hot, shivery feelings down his neck and into his chest. He's suddenly aware that his pants are tight at the front, a pressure that's both pleasant and uncomfortable, something that's only happened to him when waking up on a rare morning or after reading those doujinshi.
Arousal. He's feeling actual arousal from someone kissing him. What bizarre secret route did he stumble into??
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Any farther and he's taking advantage. He's already pushing it, isn't he? Even though Idia hasn't protested, hasn't told him to stop, clearly seems like he wants it just as badly...
Cater swallows, breathing hard as he presses his forehead into Idia's shoulder. He lets his grip loosen in Idia's hair and finds his hands instead, grabbing onto both of them and squeezing. "It's time to cool off," he finally forces out between heavy breaths. "We...we're getting ahead of ourselves."
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"C-- Cater, I...." Trailing off, not even sure what he wants to say, Idia simply squeezes back and tries to calm his breathing. There's a strange sort of disconnect in his brain, as if he's suddenly found himself playing someone else's save file in an unfamiliar game.
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Once he's caught his breath a bit more, he raises his head to look up at Idia, for once the one with a sheepish expression. "So...how do you feel?"
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