Seven. Christ. Even if that's just a rough estimate, that's so young. It's hard enough to get over loss when you're older, but to go through something at that age, no wonder he's never been able to move on. And that's all without touching the fact that he's effectively forced himself to live with that reminder on the daily.
"You were just a kid," he mumbles weakly. Even without knowing the details, he can say without hesitation that Idia didn't do it. Maybe he put them in a dangerous position, but kids don't know any better. They were probably trying to play, or something.
This is so much to unpack, and Cater has absolutely no frame of reference to know how to comfort him with words. He let's go of Idia's hands, and decides instead to stand and wrap his arms around the tall teenager's shoulders, leaning over him to pull him into an embrace. It seems safer than trying to pull Idia out of his coiled ball.
The unfamiliar hug has Idia shivering harder, yet he does nothing to attempt escape. How does someone who killed the only person that ever loved them respond to comfort?
"We wanted to be heroes, explorers. But Shrouds... we're not allowed to leave. We had to sneak out." He's so, so tired. "I hacked the security system. I opened a door that let a black hat in. They broke the seal on Tartarus, it's where STYX researches Phantoms. One got out, and it... it found us, me and Ortho...."
He remembers screams, but he's not sure if they were his or Ortho's, his nightmares or memories.
"You didn't know, Idia. It was an accident." A horrible, fucked up, completely unprecedented accident, yeah, but still an accident. He keeps Idia close, hardly feeling warm himself but still hoping it can provide him with some semblance of balance. Or maybe for both of them.
He swallows a knot in his throat and considers asking if Idia's ever told anyone this before. He's pretty sure he knows the answer, but if he hears it, that'll make all of this even more real and there's already so much to unpack. Half of what Idia's saying about his home he doesn't even really understand.
"You don't deserve the punishment you're giving yourself."
Something changes in Idia's trembling at that. It becomes staccato, a low uneven pulse, and the quiet sound coming from the center of the curled form changes with it.
It's... laughter. A hollow, mirthless chuckle, a sound of despair rather than humor.
"Then what do I deserve, Mr. Cater? Because the others wouldn't let me die, either. I've been shown too much compassion already."
"Too much, huh? By what measure?" There's no such thing as being shown too much consideration, as far as he knows. At least not under these circumstances. "I can't tell you what you deserve, but I know it's not suffering."
Whatever happened between him and everyone that had been taken by STYX, he's glad that they saved him. That they treated him delicately--or at least as delicately as that group of people can be expected to treat someone.
"EZ for you to say." There's no sting to the accusation, only defeat. Idia barely uncurls but it's enough for Cater to see the touch of redness intruding into the blue around Idia's eyes, the dampness clinging to his lashes. "The other Overblots, plus Epel and Mr. Rook, they all saw what I caused. What happened to my brother. Even if it's better now, I can't take back what I did."
Ortho still has a technomantic body. Idia still has his nightmares. Some things can't be fixed.
It is easy for him to say. Well, not easy, but compared to going through it? Yeah, his words are a total load of bullshit. Still, they need to be heard. And maybe heard again. The others saw this whole mess but did they give him any kind of clearly-needed affirmation?
"Nobody can change the past," he agrees. "All you can do is look forward, ask yourself what your time is better spent doing. It's not a one-step process, and I think you've beaten yourself up more than enough. I'm not saying that you'll feel better tomorrow or even a year from now, but..."
But what? Cater just said he doesn't look toward the future. Not that that was exactly the truth or anything, of course, but every word he chooses feels like stepping deeper into a big, black ocean and he's nearly up to his chin already.
"You Overblotted. You made a huge step already, deciding to live. So now you have to take that life and find the best way to live it. How would Ortho want you to live it?"
Idia's lips twist, not quite a scowl but not a smile either. He almost looks a little ill. "He wants me to LFG. I have people to game with already so I guess that's done. Not much else to do but grad and go."
He doesn't want to go back to the Island of Woe, but he has no choice. He has to be near blot or the Shroud curse will eat at him.
"Glad Ortho has lots of friends now. He's a good kid. All I want for him, really."
Less than half a year to go and they'll be seniors. Another year of schooling, but considering seniors don't stay on campus, they're practically at the home stretch already. Once that happens, none of this will matter. Cater hurries to clutch onto that thought. You can't get so close to someone that fast that you'll really miss them. The two of them will go on their separate ways and he can move past all this discomfort.
He just hopes that Idia gets the help he needs. His stomach churns, knowing he probably won't. Most certainly won't. He didn't give himself nearly enough time to work through this in a place where he can be supported. Wrapped up in thought, he hasn't processed the fact that he's still cradling Idia to his chest, his eyes clenched tightly shut.
He needs to stop talking, needs this to be over, but as much as he wants to be: Cater isn't heartless. So he takes that final step that takes his feet off the ocean floor and his head sucks underneath the surface.
"Don't give up, okay?" There's so, so much out there for him, if only he could see it, Cater's sure. Maybe his whole life has been fucked up, maybe he's destined to spend the rest of his years playing out a role he doesn't want, but, still. Still. Cater's voice grows small. "Please."
Idia isn't so dense that he can't tell he's made Cater uncomfortable. No surprise there, he's the Gloomurai after all. Negativity follows him like a personal storm cloud. It's not fair to Cater, who was only making a misguided attempt to be his friend. He needs to make things right.
So he nods gingerly. "I'll try. Promise." It's the best he can do. He doesn't want to die, but what does that really mean when he still has days where he feels like the living dead? Sighing, he tries to uncurl a little so Cater won't have to cling to him in worry like this anymore.
"I... I think I need some time AFK in sleep mode."
Cater snaps way from Idia like a rubber band, his countenance changing like he flipped a switch, but his eyes are erratic and his smile forced as he pulls out his phone.
"Lunch is almost over, anyway. I've definitely broken one of the Queen's rules, so I should make sure Riddle sees that I'm not dawdling." Picking up the rest of his uneaten lunch and drink, Cater backs toward the door.
You're going to be okay, right? He knows he should say, but he's gasping for breath, kicking his feet to get up for air, so far past his limit that the reprieve in sight makes it impossible to dole out anymore kind words.
"Text me when you're up, yeah? I'll seeya tomorrow!"
Cater darts out the door without waiting for a response, booking it out of Ignihyde and dumping the rest of his food in the nearest trash.
Idia doesn't have time to say anything, not that he has the energy for it. He doesn't have the energy for class, either. He'll send his drone to record the lecture. Once the door closes, he slowly gets up and goes to his bed, curling up under the covers.
He probably won't see Cater tomorrow. The other boy will avoid him like the plague after today, because who wants to be friends with the gloomiest person on campus? Sighing, Idia buries his face in his pillow and pulls up his headphones, drowning out the world once again.
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"You were just a kid," he mumbles weakly. Even without knowing the details, he can say without hesitation that Idia didn't do it. Maybe he put them in a dangerous position, but kids don't know any better. They were probably trying to play, or something.
This is so much to unpack, and Cater has absolutely no frame of reference to know how to comfort him with words. He let's go of Idia's hands, and decides instead to stand and wrap his arms around the tall teenager's shoulders, leaning over him to pull him into an embrace. It seems safer than trying to pull Idia out of his coiled ball.
no subject
"We wanted to be heroes, explorers. But Shrouds... we're not allowed to leave. We had to sneak out." He's so, so tired. "I hacked the security system. I opened a door that let a black hat in. They broke the seal on Tartarus, it's where STYX researches Phantoms. One got out, and it... it found us, me and Ortho...."
He remembers screams, but he's not sure if they were his or Ortho's, his nightmares or memories.
"I... I had to fix it... it was my fault...."
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He swallows a knot in his throat and considers asking if Idia's ever told anyone this before. He's pretty sure he knows the answer, but if he hears it, that'll make all of this even more real and there's already so much to unpack. Half of what Idia's saying about his home he doesn't even really understand.
"You don't deserve the punishment you're giving yourself."
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It's... laughter. A hollow, mirthless chuckle, a sound of despair rather than humor.
"Then what do I deserve, Mr. Cater? Because the others wouldn't let me die, either. I've been shown too much compassion already."
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Whatever happened between him and everyone that had been taken by STYX, he's glad that they saved him. That they treated him delicately--or at least as delicately as that group of people can be expected to treat someone.
"Nobody deserves what you've gone through."
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Ortho still has a technomantic body. Idia still has his nightmares. Some things can't be fixed.
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"Nobody can change the past," he agrees. "All you can do is look forward, ask yourself what your time is better spent doing. It's not a one-step process, and I think you've beaten yourself up more than enough. I'm not saying that you'll feel better tomorrow or even a year from now, but..."
But what? Cater just said he doesn't look toward the future. Not that that was exactly the truth or anything, of course, but every word he chooses feels like stepping deeper into a big, black ocean and he's nearly up to his chin already.
"You Overblotted. You made a huge step already, deciding to live. So now you have to take that life and find the best way to live it. How would Ortho want you to live it?"
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He doesn't want to go back to the Island of Woe, but he has no choice. He has to be near blot or the Shroud curse will eat at him.
"Glad Ortho has lots of friends now. He's a good kid. All I want for him, really."
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He just hopes that Idia gets the help he needs. His stomach churns, knowing he probably won't. Most certainly won't. He didn't give himself nearly enough time to work through this in a place where he can be supported. Wrapped up in thought, he hasn't processed the fact that he's still cradling Idia to his chest, his eyes clenched tightly shut.
He needs to stop talking, needs this to be over, but as much as he wants to be: Cater isn't heartless. So he takes that final step that takes his feet off the ocean floor and his head sucks underneath the surface.
"Don't give up, okay?" There's so, so much out there for him, if only he could see it, Cater's sure. Maybe his whole life has been fucked up, maybe he's destined to spend the rest of his years playing out a role he doesn't want, but, still. Still. Cater's voice grows small. "Please."
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So he nods gingerly. "I'll try. Promise." It's the best he can do. He doesn't want to die, but what does that really mean when he still has days where he feels like the living dead? Sighing, he tries to uncurl a little so Cater won't have to cling to him in worry like this anymore.
"I... I think I need some time AFK in sleep mode."
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Cater snaps way from Idia like a rubber band, his countenance changing like he flipped a switch, but his eyes are erratic and his smile forced as he pulls out his phone.
"Lunch is almost over, anyway. I've definitely broken one of the Queen's rules, so I should make sure Riddle sees that I'm not dawdling." Picking up the rest of his uneaten lunch and drink, Cater backs toward the door.
You're going to be okay, right? He knows he should say, but he's gasping for breath, kicking his feet to get up for air, so far past his limit that the reprieve in sight makes it impossible to dole out anymore kind words.
"Text me when you're up, yeah? I'll seeya tomorrow!"
Cater darts out the door without waiting for a response, booking it out of Ignihyde and dumping the rest of his food in the nearest trash.
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He probably won't see Cater tomorrow. The other boy will avoid him like the plague after today, because who wants to be friends with the gloomiest person on campus? Sighing, Idia buries his face in his pillow and pulls up his headphones, drowning out the world once again.