caycay | IC Inbox - Duplicity

Hey, you were there for me when I was having a meltdown.

[And true, Cater hadn't let himself fully open up to Riddle, but it had been a step. More than he'd ever intended, and Riddle had embraced him so readily despite that heaviness. Loosening his hold on Riddle as he backs up, Cater reaches tentatively to try and wipe the tears from Riddle's cheeks for him. His eyes have adjusted a bit better to the dark, now, and he doesn't fumble as awkwardly.]

There's nothing you have to apologize for; we're friends. Friends are supposed to be there for each other in times like these.

[Saying that, Cater tries not to think about how hypocritical he's being.]

Do you want to talk about it?

[There's a blink as Cater's hands come up to touch his face, and... just like that, the tension melts away. His vulnerability has been accepted, so he leans in rather than away.]

...thank you.

[His brow furrows at the following question. Gently, he shakes his head.]

I can't.

...because of Idia?

[Once the tears ease, Cater's hands fall to Riddle's shoulders, thumbs caressing lightly, almost instinctively as he considers the violent fear in which Riddle had awoken. Why couldn't I stop him? he'd asked himself.

Idia had done something terrible--based on what he knows about his classmate? Probably to himself...but he can't be certain. Not when he knows what he knows. About the abduction of the overblot victims to STYX. Was this something that had happened in Duplicity, or before? Was this triggered by a potion or illusion or some other Duplicity bullshit? Or was it a real, genuine memory?]

[A soft noise of affirmation. He's quiet for a few moments, trying to figure out how to word it.]

It's not something to be talked about lightly, and definitely not my place to divulge it.

Only Idia should make that decision.

[After a moment, his hands curl into fists in his lap.]

... it isn't the first time I've had this nightmare. It... probably won't be the last time, either.

I'm sorry for the scare.

[Something serious, something very personal to Idia. Something that Riddle's been traumatized by...]

I won't ask you to tell me anything about it, then, if it's his business. But...

[He's pretty sure he's getting a clearer and clearer picture.]

...something I said reminded you of what happened, last night, didn't it?

[There's a terse moment where Riddle doesn't answer, clearly trying to decide if he should.

Finally, he lets out a tense breath, and reluctantly nods.

But that's all he'll be getting. Riddle seems quite set on protecting Idia's privacy.]

[Thoughtful, Cater's quiet for a moment. He doesn't know that he'll talk to Idia about this. For now, he'd rather wait until he has more information. What's most important in the here-and-now is Riddle. So, taking a deep breath. Cater, still holding onto Riddle--]

C'mere.

[--falls backward onto the mattress, pulling his housewarden along with him.]

[Caught off-guard, there's a small, startled sound from Riddle as he's pulled on top of the other teen.]

Cater...?

[With Riddle on his chest, Cater wraps his arms around him, bringing one hand up to brush his bangs out of his face.]

I know it'll probably be hard for you to get back to sleep...but I'm right here. Your soldier will keep you safe.

[Cater lowers his voice to an even softer whisper.]

Can you hear my heartbeat?

[There's a flush rising to his cheeks at the tender gesture which only darkens with the words that follow. His gaze softens, and slowly, he rests his head against Cater's chest.

...oh. It's thrumming so fast...

He's suddenly reminded of Jamil. When they'd felt each other's emotions for awhile. It'd been startling to realize just how anxious Jamil really was when he'd always acted so calm.

... Cater is the same way, isn't he?

Softly:]

Yeah.

[His hand comes up to settle over it next to his face.]

[In the heat of the moment, it was easy to forget the consequences of that request. In trying to soothe Riddle, Cater hadn't thought about how on the edge his own nerves still were. And as they lay there together in an intimate cuddle that he initiated, he stares at the ceiling and feels his anxiety begin to rise. Why did he do that? Why is he doing it?

Of course he cares about Riddle, they're friends, but isn't this going too far? Yeah, they were having sex, but this is so...personal. He's going to give Riddle the wrong idea. What then? What happens when they both get too used to this kind of embrace? Still, the only thing he can think to do is hold him close, as if he'd disappear just like his magic, something else taken from him without warning.

He's not sure if he is going to fall asleep again.]

[...ah. It's worsening.

His brow furrows. People not being his strong suit, indeed. He feels kind of sick, knowing one of his most cherished people back home had been struggling so hard, and he'd been blind to it.]

...Cater?

[He lifts himself up a bit, hand moving to run through the ginger locks.]

Is there anything I can do to help you with your anxiety?

[The question pierces the room's silence like a magical bullet. To be able to ask so frankly...it's very Riddle and Cater has no idea what to do about it. His emotions have been such a well-kept secret, and here in Duplicity, in such a short time his whole façade has crumbled.]

There's nothing to help.

[He doesn't need help. He has a system. Had a system that's now missing an integral part. If he could just get...just get a chance to rework it, now that he knows his limits...]

I'm just a little keyed up; don't worry about me, I'm fine.

[He watches him, feels him tense underneath Riddle like a wound spring. Listens to the breaths that are a bit too quick and shallow...]

...you never wanted anyone to know... did you?

[He frowns, then pulls himself up more, hands coming to lay on either side of Cater's face as he touches their foreheads together.]

...I had it when I came here. I didn't even fully realize it or understand what it was. Because... it was there for so long throughout my life.

When you follow the rules to the letter, you can't let your guard down for a second. Nothing less than perfection was acceptable. It creates an alert and studious mind... one that barely knows how to relax.

[Quietly:]

If you're busy being perfect, you can't just be yourself.

[Cater doesn't answer the question--he can't. His words are stuck in his throat. He feels like he can't breathe all of a sudden. Riddle's face is so close and he can't look away but he knows he needs to because he's sure his eyes give away too much. This is too much. Listening, he swallows.

Without answering, he's giving far too much away. This isn't a problem that arose because of his UM disappearing. This goes far deeper than he's ever let anyone know.

And he still can't admit it.]

You had things really rough, like, your whole life. You've made a lot of progress in a really short span of time. But--

[Your problems and my problems are completely different, he thinks. You don't understand, he thinks. Talking about this is just going to make everything more complicated, he thinks. Cater's thoughts are a runaway magical wheel.]

--I've never tried to be perfect. You've seen me slack off, like, plenty of times.

...I know. [Riddle says quietly.] It isn't the same.

But... the reason I brought it up is because Jamil has helped me a lot. He's given me diffusers, he's helped me practice meditating...

He's helped me fight the battles in my head.

[Gently, he brushes their lips together, then murmurs against them.]

A queen is no good far removed from her people. As much as they serve her, she serves them.

Let me join you on the front lines, my noble soldier.

[Stop it, his head is screaming at him. Stop caring so much about me! What we feel doesn't matter, it'll never matter, none of this means anything! And it hurts so bad because he wants it to, but it doesn't. It never will. And all this effort makes it so much harder for him to keep himself at arm's length.

He should get up right now. He should leave and walk back to his own place right now. Say something harsh and terrible that he doesn't even mean just to sabotage whatever it is that's happening before he's sunk so far into it that he suffocates.

But all he can manage is a whimper. No matter how he's feeling or what he's thinking, he can't bear to leave.

Cater chases Riddle's lips for another kiss even his cheeks grow wet with quiet tears.]

[Ah...

His heart breaks with that sound. His brow furrows as he kisses Cater again, and then, if he'll let him, he'll deepen the kiss.

Riddle doesn't know what to do. He thinks he might just be making things worse...

But he doesn't know what he needs to do to make it better.

As he feels those tears roll down Cater's cheeks and hit his thumbs, they move to brush them away.]

[Cater doesn't know if this is soothing him because it's what he needs or because it's distracting him from how scared and powerless he feels. Either way, Cater doesn't let himself analyze what they're doing. He just lets it happen, melting into the kiss as his tight hold around Riddle loses some of that tension. He fully embraces his housewarden's physical affection even if he can't bring himself to properly accept the emotional kind, shifting his legs into a wider position so they can tangle with the ones between them.

Each brush of Riddle's soft fingers chases away the nervous energy that had seized up Cater's body, each slip of their lips and tongue returning his erratic breathing back to something more normal.]

[Okay... good.. he's calming. Something's finally helping rather than intensifying Cater's anxiety.

Riddle allows himself to relax into the position as well, one shorter leg lightly tangling with a longer one. He'll continue the kissing until Cater's fully calmed down... if that's possible.]

[It's hard to say how long they carry on like that, the room quiet save for nothing but the sounds of their mouths and breaths in the dark. One of Cater's hands ends up resting at the back of Riddle's neck, fingers winding through his hair. When he finally does break their locked lips, he doesn't go far, his breath still hot against Riddle's skin.]

...I'm keeping you awake.

[After that bout of kissing, Riddle can't help but pant a bit. Damn... they probably shouldn't be getting worked up so late at night.

Yet the words only get a soft noise of amusement from him, and he kisses the corner of his mouth.]

Feeling a little better now?

Edited 2023-05-19 22:04 (UTC)

Yeah.

[For now. Sooner or later, the same anxieties will come creeping back...but right now, he feels soothed. Without really thinking about it, he finds one of Riddle's hands with his own and threads their fingers together.]

How about you?

[A softening of his features at that response.]

Good...

[Gently, he slides off Cater and back to his side, keeping their hands intertwined. He snuggles up against his side.]

Much better. Thank you.

[Cater smiles to himself, shifting to his side so he can properly fit their bodies close together. He doesn't know if he'll fall asleep, but in this moment he has peace. The loneliness monster has retreated back into its cavern. Face in Riddle's hair, he murmurs a reciprocal:]

Thank you.

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chopoffyourhead - 2023-05-22 00:54 (UTC) - Expand