[For the first time in awhile, in the warring mess of emotions bundled up tight inside his gut, sorrow isn't the first one that wins out. The self-loathing is still there, hissing and roiling, but something else breaks through. When Trey puts it that way, gives him that perspective...
It kind of pisses him off.]
If he was testing me, I guess I failed. Spectacularly.
[Cater takes a breath and sits up, patting Trey's hand in a quiet acknowledgment of thanks before its dislodged by his movement. He's still wearing the clothes Vil bought him when they were laughing and joking and flirting. All of that just to get here. All of it just to dangle him over a bunch of broken glass, see if he'd lose his balance.]
[Cater stares at the wall in front of him in silence. Even now, the urge to lie about this side of himself is so strong. To say that of course he doesn't do that, when really...]
It's hard not to. I've always fallen short of everyone's expectations. And Vil...he's already so successful. If there's a problem, of course it's because I'm not good enough.
[Cater's hands ball into fists against his knees. He shakes his head. Damn it, he didn't want to cry. Not again. But his face burns at Trey's words, his frustration morphing again.]
No! Of course not! I don't see him like that at all, and I'm the one who, who...
[How is he so weak, so powerless? He groans, running his hands through his hair.]
I don't know who I even am sometimes. How am I supposed to be good enough?
[He reaches out and over, hand settling to rub Cater's back.]
... I can't really answer that for you. For now... try taking a step back, thinking about what I said, and... maybe try playing the situation in your head as if it was someone else in your shoes.
[Since Cater's expectations for other people seems a lot more reasonable.]
[Cater takes a deep, shaky breath. He slowly manages a nod of his head.]
I don't know how you can stomach dealing with me when I'm like this. Sorry, man. This isn't your problem to figure out for me.
[He just needs to think, like Trey said. Not catastrophize. Think. Maybe in retrospect he can understand something better that he couldn't in the heat of the moment.]
[He definitely does feel that tremble and feels a swell of protectiveness. Even if they're about the same age, Trey can't help it; Cater just seems to bring out the big brother energy in him.]
Hey...
[He gets up and comes around the bed, taking a seat next to the ginger. He brings his arm up and around him, tugging him in for a hug.]
[Cater tries for another joke but all that he manages is a muffled whine before he relents, pressing his face into Trey's shoulder. He takes a breath, trying to will the tears back into his eyes before they totally wet his clothes.]
[Said gently as his hand comes up to pet the orange locks.]
I know it's rough, but thinking about the worst-case scenario is just going to ramp up your negative thoughts and emotions all the more.
Hopefully, this will just be one fight of the many you have with him over the course of a long and happy relationship.
Vil might be a successful supermodel, but at the end of the day, he's just a teenage boy like the rest of us, with his own issues and flaws. So... cut both of yourselves some slack, alright?
[So much easier said than done. Trying is all he can promise when he knows how much he's struggled with it. He could bend himself over backwards forgiving Vil for any of his flaws, but...in the absence of his own flaws, what does Cater Diamond have to offer, he wonders?
He just wishes he could see what Vil apparently sees.]
[He gives a little smile, hand coming down to pat Cater's back. Cater is struggling so much, and yet, he's continuing to be open rather than hiding behind a mask. It'd be so easy and comfortable for him to do so. But he's choosing the hard way. The right way.
For that, Trey's proud of him.]
You've already improved a lot over these past few months. Don't forget that.
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no subject
[For the first time in awhile, in the warring mess of emotions bundled up tight inside his gut, sorrow isn't the first one that wins out. The self-loathing is still there, hissing and roiling, but something else breaks through. When Trey puts it that way, gives him that perspective...
It kind of pisses him off.]
If he was testing me, I guess I failed. Spectacularly.
[Cater takes a breath and sits up, patting Trey's hand in a quiet acknowledgment of thanks before its dislodged by his movement. He's still wearing the clothes Vil bought him when they were laughing and joking and flirting. All of that just to get here. All of it just to dangle him over a bunch of broken glass, see if he'd lose his balance.]
I must've looked pretty pathetic.
no subject
I can't imagine what you're feeling right now. But putting yourself down won't help matters any.
[A pause...]
That's... what you've been doing all this time, I'm guessing. If something goes wrong, you berate yourself. Right?
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It's hard not to. I've always fallen short of everyone's expectations. And Vil...he's already so successful. If there's a problem, of course it's because I'm not good enough.
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You have to be good enough for yourself more than anything. Not for Vil, me, Riddle or anyone else.
[Quietly:]
...and that means letting yourself mess up.
[Gently:]
You wouldn't want Vil calling himself a monster just because he upset you, right?
no subject
No! Of course not! I don't see him like that at all, and I'm the one who, who...
[How is he so weak, so powerless? He groans, running his hands through his hair.]
I don't know who I even am sometimes. How am I supposed to be good enough?
no subject
... I can't really answer that for you. For now... try taking a step back, thinking about what I said, and... maybe try playing the situation in your head as if it was someone else in your shoes.
[Since Cater's expectations for other people seems a lot more reasonable.]
no subject
I don't know how you can stomach dealing with me when I'm like this. Sorry, man. This isn't your problem to figure out for me.
[He just needs to think, like Trey said. Not catastrophize. Think. Maybe in retrospect he can understand something better that he couldn't in the heat of the moment.]
no subject
[Said gently, but firmly:]
No more apologies. Alright?
You're worth it.
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Damn it, Trey. You can't just come at me like that. I'm defenseless, over here!
[Maybe he won't burst into gross tears if he tries to add some levity to the emotional moment.]
Like, I came here to have a good time and honestly I'm feeling so attacked right now.
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Hey...
[He gets up and comes around the bed, taking a seat next to the ginger. He brings his arm up and around him, tugging him in for a hug.]
Come here, you.
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...I just don't want to lose him again.
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[Said gently as his hand comes up to pet the orange locks.]
I know it's rough, but thinking about the worst-case scenario is just going to ramp up your negative thoughts and emotions all the more.
Hopefully, this will just be one fight of the many you have with him over the course of a long and happy relationship.
Vil might be a successful supermodel, but at the end of the day, he's just a teenage boy like the rest of us, with his own issues and flaws. So... cut both of yourselves some slack, alright?
no subject
[So much easier said than done. Trying is all he can promise when he knows how much he's struggled with it. He could bend himself over backwards forgiving Vil for any of his flaws, but...in the absence of his own flaws, what does Cater Diamond have to offer, he wonders?
He just wishes he could see what Vil apparently sees.]
Thanks, Trey.
no subject
For that, Trey's proud of him.]
You've already improved a lot over these past few months. Don't forget that.